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Ten ways to get kicked off a plane - Times Online
Good morning, and welcome to BloggsAir. Before you board today, do you mind answering a few questions? Splendid. Just let me get my clipboard ... right, off we go.
Are you dressed revealingly? Is there a large toy crocodile in your hand luggage? While on this flight, do you intend to read coughography, emit offensive body odour or perhaps sing a topical football-based ditty?
If so, the chances are you’re going to get slung off. All the above offences have recently resulted in passengers being escorted from the plane by stony-faced airport-security bods. In fact, over the past few years, cabin crew have taken to turfing us out of planes in unprecedented numbers.
Only a few days ago, the otherwise blameless Dr Paolo Tomasi from London was unceremoniously dumped off a Ryanair flight for the heinous crime of talking to his eight-year-old son during the safety briefing.
Getting ejected for having a chat lacks class, though. It’s a bit meek, a bit pedestrian. Aren’t there ways of doing it with more panache?
Oh yes there are. Here is our guide to involuntary deplaning with style, all based on real and recent episodes.
SING ABOUT FOOTBALLERS’ UNDERWEAR
After a fine win over Cardiff last year, fans of Sunderland AFC boarded an EasyJet flight in buoyant mood and sang the praises of their chairman in time-honoured terrace fashion. In case you’re not a regular at the Stadium of Light, the lyrics, to the tune of ’Ere We Go, ’Ere We Go, ’Ere We Go, are as follows: “Niall Quinn’s disco pants are the best.
They go up from his cough to his chest. They’re better than Adam and the Ants, Niall Quinn’s disco pants.” EasyJet staff, unused to Wearside poetry, called the police and had all 100 fans thrown off. Quinn himself shelled out £8,000 for taxis to get them home.
Style rating: 10 - and 11 for Quinn. What a guy.
PAY INSUFFICIENT ATTENTION TO PERSONAL HYGIENE
A German man was chucked off a plane in Honolulu in 2006 for being excessively whiffy. After two hours’ chasing around a hot airport with heavy luggage, he took his seat, only to be asked to leave it when fellow passengers complained. He tried to sue the airline in a Düsseldorf court, and lost; he tried to appeal, but got stuck in traffic. The case was thrown out.
Style rating: 0 - hapless, hopeless and smelly. Not a good combination.
BLOCK THE EMERGENCY EXIT WITH A HUGE STUFFED CROCODILE
Last November, a woman on a Ryanair flight from Rome to Milan refused to move her metre-long cuddly toy crocodile, which the crew said was blocking the emergency exit. Both were removed.
Style rating: 8 – yes, exits are important, but you’ve got to admit there’s something cool about a life-threatening cuddly croc.
WEAR THE WRONG CLOTHES
American Lorrie Heasley took her seat sporting a T-shirt that featured pictures of George Bush and friends, with a slogan based on the hit film Meet the Fockers – but with one crucial vowel altered. Airline staff were not amused, and she was dumped halfway through her journey at Reno, Nevada.
Unfortunately, her garment wasn’t supplied by Tshirthell.com, a company that has pledged to provide alternative transport to anyone thrown off a flight for wearing its products. Since one of its more repeatable slogans reads “I’d rather be snorting cocaine off a hooker’s cough”, that’s probably just as well.
Style rating: 7 – but only if your clothing is genuinely funny.
DON’T WEAR ENOUGH CLOTHES
That was the crime of Kyla Ebbert, a 23-year-old waitress at the subtly named Hooters chain of restaurants. She was removed from a Southwest Airlines plane in San Diego for being dressed too provocatively, in micro miniskirt and tight T-shirt – though she was let back on when she rearranged them to cover as much as possible. (It took a while. She’s a big girl.) “I was embarrassed and humiliated,” she said. To regain her dignity, she took everything off again for Playboy.
Style rating: 6 – if you can pull it off. Or down.
ATTEMPT SEX
A flight made an unplanned landing last November to eject a couple who were intent on joining the mile-high club. After “fooling around” in front of other passengers in their economy seats, the pair made for the lavatories. Instead of ending up in Las Vegas, as planned, they were dumped in Portland, Oregon. It is not known whether their love was consummated.
Style rating: 1 – sex in the air is only fun if you don’t get found out. And nobody wants to be marooned in Portland.
SAY ‘BYE-BYE, PLANE’
Last July, 19-month-old Garren Penland – who’d just endured an 11-hour delay at Houston airport – said those words repeatedly (as children will) during the safety briefing on a Continental flight. “The flight attendant said, ‘Okay, it’s not funny any more. You need to shut your baby up,’ ” claimed his mum, Kate. Unfazed, Garren kept going, and mother and son soon ended up on the tarmac.
Style rating: 5 – awww, kids, eh? We think it’s cute. Though, after the 30th time, we might have changed our minds, too. Especially if we were sitting next to the little cherub.
READ cough
In 2005, South African carrier Nationwide Airlines called a taxiing flight back to the terminal to eject AC Hoffman, a Cape Town businessman.
He’d been perusing Loslyf, a local publication of liberated bent. “The air hostess snatched it off me, I told her she was f ***in’ rude, and they chucked me off,” he said. “This will not be the end of the matter. My hand luggage has not even been returned.” We think he meant the periodical.
The airline’s chief executive, Vernon Bricknell, commented helpfully: “If you want to look at this kind of stuff, go and do so in the toilet.”
Style rating: 2 – cough on a flight? Not high on the class-o-meter. Even if you bought it for the articles.
SWEAR... IF YOU’RE THE PILOT
Bit of a turnaround, this. Last April, the captain of a Northwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was heard by first-class passengers making prolific use of the f-word on his mobile as he boarded the plane.
When they complained, he continued to swear – at them this time. Eventually, the airline’s management removed him from the flight. A rare example of passenger power.
Style rating: 0 – pilots should wear ties (and perhaps goggles) and be unflappable. The only acceptable swear word is “dashed”.
DIE
It has drama, but, actually, this one won’t get you slung off. It’ll get you upgraded. Last March, a woman who expired in an economy seat on a British Airways flight was immediately reseated at the front of the plane.
One first-class passenger was understandably fazed when he woke up to find that the vacant seat next to him was now occupied by a corpse. The airline later apologised.
Style rating: 8 – if you’ve got to take your last journey, do it in first.
Ten ways to get kicked off a plane - Times Online
Good morning, and welcome to BloggsAir. Before you board today, do you mind answering a few questions? Splendid. Just let me get my clipboard ... right, off we go.
Are you dressed revealingly? Is there a large toy crocodile in your hand luggage? While on this flight, do you intend to read coughography, emit offensive body odour or perhaps sing a topical football-based ditty?
If so, the chances are you’re going to get slung off. All the above offences have recently resulted in passengers being escorted from the plane by stony-faced airport-security bods. In fact, over the past few years, cabin crew have taken to turfing us out of planes in unprecedented numbers.
Only a few days ago, the otherwise blameless Dr Paolo Tomasi from London was unceremoniously dumped off a Ryanair flight for the heinous crime of talking to his eight-year-old son during the safety briefing.
Getting ejected for having a chat lacks class, though. It’s a bit meek, a bit pedestrian. Aren’t there ways of doing it with more panache?
Oh yes there are. Here is our guide to involuntary deplaning with style, all based on real and recent episodes.
SING ABOUT FOOTBALLERS’ UNDERWEAR
After a fine win over Cardiff last year, fans of Sunderland AFC boarded an EasyJet flight in buoyant mood and sang the praises of their chairman in time-honoured terrace fashion. In case you’re not a regular at the Stadium of Light, the lyrics, to the tune of ’Ere We Go, ’Ere We Go, ’Ere We Go, are as follows: “Niall Quinn’s disco pants are the best.
They go up from his cough to his chest. They’re better than Adam and the Ants, Niall Quinn’s disco pants.” EasyJet staff, unused to Wearside poetry, called the police and had all 100 fans thrown off. Quinn himself shelled out £8,000 for taxis to get them home.
Style rating: 10 - and 11 for Quinn. What a guy.
PAY INSUFFICIENT ATTENTION TO PERSONAL HYGIENE
A German man was chucked off a plane in Honolulu in 2006 for being excessively whiffy. After two hours’ chasing around a hot airport with heavy luggage, he took his seat, only to be asked to leave it when fellow passengers complained. He tried to sue the airline in a Düsseldorf court, and lost; he tried to appeal, but got stuck in traffic. The case was thrown out.
Style rating: 0 - hapless, hopeless and smelly. Not a good combination.
BLOCK THE EMERGENCY EXIT WITH A HUGE STUFFED CROCODILE
Last November, a woman on a Ryanair flight from Rome to Milan refused to move her metre-long cuddly toy crocodile, which the crew said was blocking the emergency exit. Both were removed.
Style rating: 8 – yes, exits are important, but you’ve got to admit there’s something cool about a life-threatening cuddly croc.
WEAR THE WRONG CLOTHES
American Lorrie Heasley took her seat sporting a T-shirt that featured pictures of George Bush and friends, with a slogan based on the hit film Meet the Fockers – but with one crucial vowel altered. Airline staff were not amused, and she was dumped halfway through her journey at Reno, Nevada.
Unfortunately, her garment wasn’t supplied by Tshirthell.com, a company that has pledged to provide alternative transport to anyone thrown off a flight for wearing its products. Since one of its more repeatable slogans reads “I’d rather be snorting cocaine off a hooker’s cough”, that’s probably just as well.
Style rating: 7 – but only if your clothing is genuinely funny.
DON’T WEAR ENOUGH CLOTHES
That was the crime of Kyla Ebbert, a 23-year-old waitress at the subtly named Hooters chain of restaurants. She was removed from a Southwest Airlines plane in San Diego for being dressed too provocatively, in micro miniskirt and tight T-shirt – though she was let back on when she rearranged them to cover as much as possible. (It took a while. She’s a big girl.) “I was embarrassed and humiliated,” she said. To regain her dignity, she took everything off again for Playboy.
Style rating: 6 – if you can pull it off. Or down.
ATTEMPT SEX
A flight made an unplanned landing last November to eject a couple who were intent on joining the mile-high club. After “fooling around” in front of other passengers in their economy seats, the pair made for the lavatories. Instead of ending up in Las Vegas, as planned, they were dumped in Portland, Oregon. It is not known whether their love was consummated.
Style rating: 1 – sex in the air is only fun if you don’t get found out. And nobody wants to be marooned in Portland.
SAY ‘BYE-BYE, PLANE’
Last July, 19-month-old Garren Penland – who’d just endured an 11-hour delay at Houston airport – said those words repeatedly (as children will) during the safety briefing on a Continental flight. “The flight attendant said, ‘Okay, it’s not funny any more. You need to shut your baby up,’ ” claimed his mum, Kate. Unfazed, Garren kept going, and mother and son soon ended up on the tarmac.
Style rating: 5 – awww, kids, eh? We think it’s cute. Though, after the 30th time, we might have changed our minds, too. Especially if we were sitting next to the little cherub.
READ cough
In 2005, South African carrier Nationwide Airlines called a taxiing flight back to the terminal to eject AC Hoffman, a Cape Town businessman.
He’d been perusing Loslyf, a local publication of liberated bent. “The air hostess snatched it off me, I told her she was f ***in’ rude, and they chucked me off,” he said. “This will not be the end of the matter. My hand luggage has not even been returned.” We think he meant the periodical.
The airline’s chief executive, Vernon Bricknell, commented helpfully: “If you want to look at this kind of stuff, go and do so in the toilet.”
Style rating: 2 – cough on a flight? Not high on the class-o-meter. Even if you bought it for the articles.
SWEAR... IF YOU’RE THE PILOT
Bit of a turnaround, this. Last April, the captain of a Northwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was heard by first-class passengers making prolific use of the f-word on his mobile as he boarded the plane.
When they complained, he continued to swear – at them this time. Eventually, the airline’s management removed him from the flight. A rare example of passenger power.
Style rating: 0 – pilots should wear ties (and perhaps goggles) and be unflappable. The only acceptable swear word is “dashed”.
DIE
It has drama, but, actually, this one won’t get you slung off. It’ll get you upgraded. Last March, a woman who expired in an economy seat on a British Airways flight was immediately reseated at the front of the plane.
One first-class passenger was understandably fazed when he woke up to find that the vacant seat next to him was now occupied by a corpse. The airline later apologised.
Style rating: 8 – if you’ve got to take your last journey, do it in first.
