A bit of humour

[QF WP]

Can't believe that I heard on ABC Radio this morning that Clive is looking for pre-selection for my Federal seat, so he can knock off the Treasurer Wayne Swan. Surely anybody put in there will get enough votes from the disaffected Labour supporters and kick him out? yes, I'd vote for you Clive, But WTF are you thinking - don't get into public life, you'll earn more where you are...substantially more

 

[QF WP]

How to start the day on a positive note.

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Julia Gillard".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Julia Gillard?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better already? Good!

Tomorrow we'll do Wayne Swan.

 

[QF WP]

People born before 1946 were called
The Silent and Powerful generation..

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called
The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called
Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called
Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

 

[QF WP]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles; went fishing and hunting and played golf.

Dated big breasted women half his age and drank beer and scotch; had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up plus farted whenever he wanted.

 

[QF WP]

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent

 

[SeatBackForward]

Not sure if its been done already:

One guy says to his other guy friend "I haven't spoken to the wife for six weeks"
To which, his friend replies "Good thing you haven't interrupted her then"

 

[Major]

Medical examination..........



While examining his female patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The woman started taking off her clothes.....
Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."


Not sure whether I should apologize to the medicos or the ladies or both...but I like it

 

[markis10]

 

[markis10]

 

[Major]

A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Bunning's

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to the Hardware Store to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:!
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the Hardware Store.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog cough in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running t! he register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog cough off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the Hardware Store until the pharmac_ has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog cough on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out th! e hole in your crotch.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to the Hardware Store.
Go to K Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

[Deleted member]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt
and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious
sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten
minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.. The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

[drron]

 

[Blackadder]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour.


NOTE:
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for
the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.

P: Something loose in coughpit.
S: Something tightened in coughpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in coughpit.
S: Cat installed.

 

[drmikki]

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned on here before, but I must thoroughly recommend the BBC radio play series Cabin Pressure to you all. (yes, kids, once upon a time there were these things called radio plays, like TV shows but on the radio. Back before the radio was populated by idiotic shock jocks and Kyle Sandilands... )

Essentially its a comedy about an airline (airdot!) called MJN Air and the misfits working for it. (Quote: "I don't have an airline. I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot.")

3 series to date, each of 6 x 28 minute episodes. They are currently repeating the second series in the UK so episodes are popping up on BBC iPlayer (via BBC - BBC Radio 4 Programmes - Cabin Pressure ) and seem to work here in Aus (although some random show was on for a couple of minutes prior when I last tested it...) and its also a fairly cheap legal download here: Cabin Pressure: The Complete Series 1 | Audiobook | AudioGO : audiobooks, CDs, downloads . If you give an Aussie address the download still works but the VAT is subtracted

The writing and cast are excellent - the polar opposite of Kyle Sandilands in quality, intellect and talent to put it mildly! The pilots are played by Roger Allam and Benedict coughberbatch, both of whom have won Olivier awards for their theatre work. The only downside is that if I get on any plane and my pilot/FO are named Martin and Douglas then I'll probably ask to get off!

"That's the beauty of vodka - colourless, odourless, proof that God loves pilots. Or at least the Russians do."
:mrgreen::mrgreen:

 

[SeatBackForward]

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned on here before, but I must thoroughly recommend the BBC radio play series Cabin Pressure to you all. (yes, kids, once upon a time there were these things called radio plays, like TV shows but on the radio. Back before the radio was populated by idiotic shock jocks and Kyle Sandilands... )

Essentially its a comedy about an airline (airdot!) called MJN Air and the misfits working for it. (Quote: "I don't have an airline. I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot.")

3 series to date, each of 6 x 28 minute episodes. They are currently repeating the second series in the UK so episodes are popping up on BBC iPlayer (via BBC - BBC Radio 4 Programmes - Cabin Pressure ) and seem to work here in Aus (although some random show was on for a couple of minutes prior when I last tested it...) and its also a fairly cheap legal download here: Cabin Pressure: The Complete Series 1 | Audiobook | AudioGO : audiobooks, CDs, downloads . If you give an Aussie address the download still works but the VAT is subtracted

The writing and cast are excellent - the polar opposite of Kyle Sandilands in quality, intellect and talent to put it mildly! The pilots are played by Roger Allam and Benedict coughberbatch, both of whom have won Olivier awards for their theatre work. The only downside is that if I get on any plane and my pilot/FO are named Martin and Douglas then I'll probably ask to get off!

"That's the beauty of vodka - colourless, odourless, proof that God loves pilots. Or at least the Russians do."
:mrgreen::mrgreen:

Sounds interesting, thanks will look into it.

 

[serfty]

THREAT ALERTS IN EUROPE (2012): BY JOHN CLEESE




The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.



The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the coughs." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.



Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."



The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.



The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.



-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person



A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.



​

 

[Deleted member]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In New Zealand and Australia, they hung up as soon as they heard an Indian accent.

 

[markis10]

Calling your company Ocean Air could be seen as asking for trouble:

 

[gab]

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned on here before, but I must thoroughly recommend the BBC radio play series Cabin Pressure to you all. (yes, kids, once upon a time there were these things called radio plays, like TV shows but on the radio. Back before the radio was populated by idiotic shock jocks and Kyle Sandilands... )

"That's the beauty of vodka - colourless, odourless, proof that God loves pilots. Or at least the Russians do."
:mrgreen::mrgreen:

+1 for the recommendation, just listened to S01 on the way to Albany.

 

[Flashback]

+1 for the recommendation, just listened to S01 on the way to Albany.

Welcome to AFF, gab:!: First post I see but joined some time ago!