A bit of humour

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.

The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

There's a very elementary reason why that pseudo-science fails, but I won't post it because this is meant to be funny.

Incidentally, we had a similar "complex thinking" problem in the margin of our physics text when I was in senior high school. They were asking why doesn't everyone just lose weight by eating ice.
 
From the same people who proved that Girls are Evil...

Maths of Life
  • smart man + smart woman = romance
  • smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
  • dumb man + smart woman = affair
  • dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
  • smart boss + smart employee = profit
  • smart boss + dumb employee = production
  • dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
  • dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has every-thing on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 lbs.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'
 
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he gain straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" No," she said, "I was a hooker in Buffalo and I worked both sides of the Niagara River." [/FONT]
 
the plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.


the flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. she then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.


the blonde replies, "i'm blond, i'm beautiful, i'm going to houston and i'm staying right here."


the flight attendant goes into the coughpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.


the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.


the blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to houston and i'm staying right here."


the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.


the pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."


he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry."


she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.


the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.




i told her, "first class isn't going to houston ......."
 
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie,

"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

Then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one .... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks,

"Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,

"I guess it's to hang your trousers on."


 
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SCHOOL--1957 vs. 2007

Scenario:
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 -Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 -Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's carand his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 -Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
 
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!!

What was that?!" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went Shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.
 
A Year 6 primary school teacher asked his class to write a sentence with the word "contagious" in it. After about ten minutes he asked the class to read out their responses. Mary, the good girl who always sat at the front gave her response:

"My 14 year old sister got rubella and the doctor said she was contagious and had to say away from other people for a week"

"Excellent!" said the teacher, proud that his students had displayed such word power.

"Can I read mine, sir?" asked Johnny who was always up to mischief and sat up the back.

"OK" his teacher said warily

With a broad grin, Johnny came out the front and read his response.

Roger stole my marble bag, full of marbles, so I threatened to smash his head in, scaring him so much that all the marbles spilt and it took the contagious to pick them up!"
 
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A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."

A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't."
 
Heard on the scanner over Adelaide, South Australia:

Airliner (I think it was a Qantas, but I didn't hear the start of the transmission):
"We won't need to divert into Adelaide now. The passenger is feeling much better now that he has been moved to business class."

Controller:
"Amazing what recuperative powers business class has."


Short Final
 
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Patrick, a lawyer, arrives home late one evening after a very tiring day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, James Wright, who is due to be hanged for murder at midnight. Patrick had made a last-minute plea for clemency to the governor, but his plea had been rejected. So when Patrick arrives home, he’s depressed and very, very tired.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]But as soon as he walks into his house, his wife starts on him. "And what time of night do you call this Patrick? You should have been home hours ago - where have you been all this time?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]But Patrick is too tired to participate in this regular ritual and ignores her tirade. Instead, he pours himself a glass of best whiskey and goes upstairs to have a good long soak in a hot bath. 20 minutes later, while he’s still in the bath, the phone rings. His wife answers and is told that her husband's client has, at the very last moment, been granted his stay of execution after all. She suddenly realises what a day her husband must have had and feels very embarrassed about her outburst. So she goes upstairs to give him the good news. She opens the bathroom door and is immediately greeted by the sight of Patrick’s naked backside as he is bending over drying his feet.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she says.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Patrick straightens up, turns around and screams out, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop with your coughing?"[/FONT]
 
A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
 
A blond calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
He asks, "What is it meant to be when it's finished?"
She says " According to the picture on the box it's a rooster."
He decides to go over and help her with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First up, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax, have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh.....
"Lets put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
Putting Your Affairs In Order

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting."Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those coughes sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'.
 

[FONT=Arial,BoldItalic][FONT=Arial,BoldItalic]
Dear Dad Letter​
[/FONT][/FONT]
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to
see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked
up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on
the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition,
he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling
hands.
'Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion
with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not
approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her
tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am​
.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuan_ doesn't,
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and
trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray
that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can
get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
I love you!
Call me when it is safe for me to come home.!!​
[FONT=Arial,BoldItalic][FONT=Arial,BoldItalic]
The Medical Profession Speaks out on the
Financial Bail-Out Package​
[/FONT][/FONT]
The allergists voted to scratch it, and the
dermatologists advised not to make any rash
moves.

The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the neurologists thought the
administration had a lot of nerve, and the
obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a
misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead
body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow
up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
madness, the radiologists could see right through
it, and the surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.

The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole
new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea
was a gas; and the cardiologists didn't have the
heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to
the assholes in Canberra.

 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzi's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
 
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