A bit of humour

TOP TIP OF THE DAY
If you ever date a dominatrix...
Never ever suggest it’s time to hit the sack.

Some of us learned this the hard way
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A vicar decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The vicar shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".

The vicar hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!"

The vicar said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood!"

The vicar said "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
 
"Lucy in the sky with diamonds"
John Lennon was rubbish at Cluedo

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Well I woke up this morning and decided I needed a more original opening line for my latest blues song.

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Spare a thought for mind readers

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Q: Why do pyramids have triangular sides?

A: If they didn't then there'd be no point to them.

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A new survey shows that 25 to 30 year olds don't drink as much alcohol as they did 20 years ago.
They must have been one pissed bunch of 5 to 10 year olds.
 
Olaf the Viking Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies: "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
 
My wife has accused me of having an affair with a woman from llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.

I said, "How can you say that?"
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I was stood in the queue for the barbers this morning. The line just kept getting longer and longer. Eventually the owner came out and started handing out hot dogs,burgers and chicken wings......it was the best barber queue ever!!

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For sale:
The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.
Or without cough, on 54 DVDs.

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Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let people know that they'll "meet someone with nice eyes today."

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It was fancy dress night at my old local and I went in dressed as William Shakespeare.

The landlord took one look at me and said, "You're Bard".

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Doctor: What can I do for you?

Patient: I can’t pronounce ‘F’ or ‘TH’

Doctor: Well you can’t say fairer than that

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Sad news.
The inventor of speed boats has died.
The funeral is tomorrow,
followed by the wake.

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A bloke took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"


"Sticks" the bloke replied
 
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The police rang me today to say they've recovered my stolen sofa.
Which I thought was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit scruffy.


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If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
At what point does knowledge become safe?

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I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind.

He gave me a kite

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Fact of the day
Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.


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How do plants talk to each other?

They use What Sap.

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Started my new job at Carpet Call this morning.
Apparently, "Fancy a shag?" Isn't the best way to welcome in potential customers.

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I saw two birds stuck together in the tree in my garden today.

I think they might be vell crows
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Two cannibals sat eating a comedian.
One said: "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other replied: "Hmm. Well don't throw away the bones; I want to make a laughing stock".

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My wife and I went to the cattle auction in Rockhampton last week and one
of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to
the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50
times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL
MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week
! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital
letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should
eventually make a full recovery.
 

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