A bit of humour

[codash1099]

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4.. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo..

19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter !

 

[Maca44]

Not having a go at the Irish, but..

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in The cough*in' boat"

 

[tuapekastar]

A little predictable, but...

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband
replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your cough, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

 

[anat0l]

A little predictable, but...

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Not quite predictable. Except for the ending maybe (could have stopped the joke at the guy's punch line and that would have been better).

 

[drron]

Not quite predictable. Except for the ending maybe (could have stopped the joke at the guy's punch line and that would have been better).

Just remember,a woman always packs a better punch

 

[Flashback]

Atheism: a non-prophet organisation.

 

[codash1099]

WARNING! May be offensive to the religious.


Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honour?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"

 

[oz_mark]

Something from the US about the state of the economy there

The economy is so bad that:

• I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
• CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learnt their children’s names.
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
• **** Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
• The Mafia is laying off judges.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
  • Oh, great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

 

[anat0l]

The hotel where I am staying in South Africa - Protea Hotel The Park - has the slogan "having a little fun". I'm not sure if they're trying to do the whole Richard Branson thing, but like various Virgin things, signs and what not here are presented slightly differently.

The "Do Not Disturb" sign says: "No Entry"

Other Hotels: "Please Make Up My Room". This Hotel: "Go ahead...make my bed".

Other Hotels: call housekeeping to collect your laundry. This Hotel: leave it on the table then hang this on the door knob: "I have no clean clothes left! Please help!"

...and then the rest of the "witticisms" or attempted humour are on the drink coasters and the boxes of the lunch packs:

• "How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?"
• "Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?"
• "When suppliers ship styrofoam in boxes, what do they pack it in?"
• "Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?"
• "I used to have a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met!"
• "What happens if you scare someone half to death twice?"
• "Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?"

 

[anat0l]

Here's another one from the same hotel above; this one is slightly better than the rest, as it has some truth to it:

"Diplomacy is the art of saying, 'Nice doggie'....until you can find a rock"

 

[codash1099]

 

[straitman]

Very funny :!:

 

[serfty]

[noparse]

[/noparse]

I think you need sometihng other than IMG tags to display that.

 

[codash1099]

I think you need sometihng other than IMG tags to display that.

Well it was showing yesterday and certainly straitman saw it. However the attachment that I uploaded has disappeared. Maybe it was so good that it was stolen!

Repeated below

 

[codash1099]

Repeated.

 

[QF WP]

The infamous Pudding Guy

 

[samh004]

Funny stuff codash1099.

 

[JohnK]

So yesterday my friend texts me and asked "What does IDK mean?"
So I answered "I don't know."
My friend texts me back "OMG nobody knows!"

 

[samh004]

So yesterday my friend texts me and asked "What does IDK mean?"
So I answered "I don't know."
My friend texts me back "OMG nobody knows!"

No, you have to be joking. That's too good!

 

[Ikara]

I'm sure this has been posted before, but I wasn't going back through 75 pages to check. I still think it's funny anyway.

His request approved, the ABC News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for ABC Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.
Finally he stammered,

'So, what you're telling me is .... You're NOT my Flight instructor ??'

JB