A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

 

[Foreigner]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.’

‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an ax and two .38s!’

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[Foreigner]

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicl_s weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn’t know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ”We don’t know what to do with this baby.”

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, “You should put him into a mental institution.”

”Why?’ asked the head nurse.

“Well,” replied the chief surgeon, “take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts.”

 

[Foreigner]

A group of guys, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[Foreigner]

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all grown and very successful, agreed to attend a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor, but despite this, we were able to save and send each of you to college. Also, we want to tell you that throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and the daughter said, "You mean we're coughs?"

 

[Foreigner]

Cheating partners let down by technology :
http://m.smh.com.au/technology/tech...f-lipstick-on-the-collar-20160205-gmn227.html

 

[Archipelago]

Giving thanks for this...

 

[Hvr]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

Sounds like it wasn't KFC.

 

[Deleted member]

[FONT=&quot]Six retired New Milton Jewish fellows were playing poker in the Con. Club when Meyer loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his [/FONT][FONT=&quot]w[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]ife?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's house and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost £500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[cove]

The Night Nurse
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after working a double shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat ,she says:
Well that's great.......some coughhole's got my pen !

 

[drron]

 

[straitman]

Charlie was installing a new door and he found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to the hardware store and pick one up. He wrote down what was required.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the attendant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap.

When he was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that bath tap?”
He replied, “That’s a gold plated bath tap Madam and the price is $5,000”
Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that is very expensive and it’s certainly out of my price range”

She handed the attendant the description of the hinge Charlie had sent her to buy. Yes, said the attendant, they had them in stock and he went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom he yelled, “Madam, do you wanna screw for the hinge?”
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, “No, but I will for the bath tap.”

…..And this is why you can’t send women to a hardware store..

 

[Foreigner]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

 

[Hvr]

How does a hamburger introduce his wife?

'Meet Pattie.'

 

[Hvr]

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.




However:

You need to be aware that for the male octopus the first two are test tickles.

 

[straitman]

Draw your own conclusions with this one!

 

[drron]

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by
staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed
her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree
it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an
overnight stay - I didn’t even have breakfast!”
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and
breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk,
announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
conference center which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use
them.” ‘’Well, they are here, and you could have.”
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the
best entertainers from all over the world performing here.” “But
I didn’t go to any of those shows..” She pleaded. “Well, we have
them, and you could have.” was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she
replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with
his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still
unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But
Madam, this check is for only $50.00”
“That’s correct” she replied “I charged you $200.00 for sleeping
with me.” “But I didn’t sleep with you madam!” said the
manager “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”!!

 

[drron]

A man and his wife, now in their 60s, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came
to them and said that because they had been such a devoted
couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her
hand.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger …
Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety.

 

[Major]

The phone rings and the lady of thehouse answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is DoctorJones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongsto your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs.Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town, If he finds his way home don't sleep with him."