One Hancock, One Harridan and too much Habromania

[GarrettM]

I have a meeting in Southern Germany in May, according to Griselda, and apparently Basel is the nearest airport, although I am sure she is just trying to confuse me.

I hope Griselda gets a right of reply one day. I'm sure she would have some incredible stories to tell.

 

[TheRealTMA]

I hope Griselda gets a right of reply one day. I'm sure she would have some incredible stories to tell.

I believe such would be covered by the 50 year archives rule.

 

[OATEK]

I hope Griselda gets a right of reply one day. I'm sure she would have some incredible stories to tell.

I would not be surprised if Griselda is negotiating the book rights as we speak!

 

[TheRealTMA]

I would not be surprised if Griselda is negotiating the book rights as we speak!

See catch #22 above!

 

[bryanjones]

I have a meeting in Southern Germany in May, according to Griselda, and apparently Basel is the nearest airport, although I am sure she is just trying to confuse me.

Probably best she doesn't tell you that BSL is also known as EAP or MLH, being Basel/European airport/Mulhouse...

 

[docjames]

I'm waiting for someone with the username"Grisel PA" to join AFF and post about the nightmare boss she has to deal with. And first post to be "are there any decent routing options via TAS, IKA and FIH to save $36"?

 

[opusman]

What's the IATA code for East Cheam though?

 

[Fantic125]

I'm waiting for someone with the username"Grisel PA" to join AFF and post about the nightmare boss she has to deal with. And first post to be "are there any decent routing options via TAS, IKA and FIH to save $36"?

Maybe not as bad, but this routing from TPE to TPA for a 2 day meeting did save our Company $100 though...

June/July 2010
Date From-To Hours Miles
20[SUP]th[/SUP] ADL-MEL 1:13 399
20[SUP]th [/SUP] MEL-HKG 8:45 4,611
21[SUP]st [/SUP] HKG-CAN 0:39 85
Meeting
24[SUP]th[/SUP] CAN-HKG 0:39 85
24[SUP]th [/SUP] HKG-TPE 1:24 501
Meeting
26[SUP]th[/SUP] TPE-NRT 2:56 1,356
26[SUP]th[/SUP] NRT-YVR 8:51 4,667
26[SUP]th[/SUP] YVR-DFW 3:38 1,754
27[SUP]th [/SUP] DFW-TPA 2:10 928
Meeting
1[SUP]st[/SUP] TPA-DFW 2:10 928
1[SUP]st[/SUP] DFW-LAX 2:42 1,233
1[SUP]st [/SUP] LAX-MEL 14:41 7,936
3[SUP]rd[/SUP] MEL-ADL 1:13 399

 

[andye]

Maybe not as bad, but this routing from TPE to TPA for a 2 day meeting did save our Company $100 though...

June/July 2010
Date From-To Hours Miles
20[SUP]th[/SUP] ADL-MEL 1:13 399
20[SUP]th [/SUP] MEL-HKG 8:45 4,611
21[SUP]st [/SUP] HKG-CAN 0:39 85
Meeting
24[SUP]th[/SUP] CAN-HKG 0:39 85
24[SUP]th [/SUP] HKG-TPE 1:24 501
Meeting
26[SUP]th[/SUP] TPE-NRT 2:56 1,356
26[SUP]th[/SUP] NRT-YVR 8:51 4,667
26[SUP]th[/SUP] YVR-DFW 3:38 1,754
27[SUP]th [/SUP] DFW-TPA 2:10 928
Meeting
1[SUP]st[/SUP] TPA-DFW 2:10 928
1[SUP]st[/SUP] DFW-LAX 2:42 1,233
1[SUP]st [/SUP] LAX-MEL 14:41 7,936
3[SUP]rd[/SUP] MEL-ADL 1:13 399

Your routing or theirs?

 

[cambriamarsh]

Maybe not as bad, but this routing from TPE to TPA for a 2 day meeting did save our Company $100 though...

June/July 2010
Date From-To Hours Miles
20[SUP]th[/SUP] ADL-MEL 1:13 399
20[SUP]th [/SUP] MEL-HKG 8:45 4,611
21[SUP]st [/SUP] HKG-CAN 0:39 85
Meeting
24[SUP]th[/SUP] CAN-HKG 0:39 85
24[SUP]th [/SUP] HKG-TPE 1:24 501
Meeting
26[SUP]th[/SUP] TPE-NRT 2:56 1,356
26[SUP]th[/SUP] NRT-YVR 8:51 4,667
26[SUP]th[/SUP] YVR-DFW 3:38 1,754
27[SUP]th [/SUP] DFW-TPA 2:10 928
Meeting
1[SUP]st[/SUP] TPA-DFW 2:10 928
1[SUP]st[/SUP] DFW-LAX 2:42 1,233
1[SUP]st [/SUP] LAX-MEL 14:41 7,936
3[SUP]rd[/SUP] MEL-ADL 1:13 399

At what cost in lost productivity? Goodness me!

 

[andye]

At what cost in lost productivity? Goodness me!

Why fly direct....?

 

[TheRealTMA]

URGENT CALL!

British Airways Now Serves It's Own Signature Gin To Concorde Room (First Class) Customers | LoyaltyLobby

 

[ric_melb]

Heaven forbid. Knowing Mr Hancock's penchant for Plymouth Gin, I hope this new concoction wont replace his favourite tipple.

 

[TonyHancock]

Heaven forbid. Knowing Mr Hancock's penchant for Plymouth Gin, I hope this new concoction wont replace his favourite tipple.

Griselda has written multiple letters of complaint about the lack of Plymouth Gin, Naval Strength, in The Concorde Room. These new fangled gins just don't cut it.

 

[TonyHancock]

My heart sank as Griselda pushed the plate of freshly buttered toast towards me. Another culinary disaster. Whilst she had adequately applied the butter, the toast needed another 15 seconds in the toaster and she had clearly misunderstood the warning on the Gentleman’s Relish label. My definition of sparingly and Griselda’s differed markedly.

The breakfast crisis was further exacerbated by her failure to provide a decent cup of tea. I have suspected for a while that she has been procuring inferior tea and trying to pass it off as Ridgways English Breakfast, which itself is a poor replacement for Ridgways Imperial. (Another fatality in modern society’s attack on all things traditional.)

This was a disastrous start to what was already destined to be a stressful day. The day before a trip is always stressful. It is the day Griselda packs my suitcase so I have to suffer question after question about what I will be doing and what I need to wear. It is also the day Griselda feels the need to go through the trip in detail. I never listen there is no need I can just pick the phone up and call Griselda when I need to. I am sure this is exactly what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind as he raced to the patent office all those years ago.

As a result part of me was actually looking forward to negotiating, what The State of Victoria laughingly calls, a road system and arriving at The Holiday Inn at Melbourne Airport.

Surprisingly check in at the Holiday Inn passed without incident. Indeed it was actually quite satisfying. Some sort of junior manager type was called over to explain that I was to experience one of the newly refurbished rooms and that my valuable opinion was sought. It was a rather lovely little moment when my importance was recognised.


A welcome refurbishment at the Melbourne airport holiday Inn

The lady that checked me out of the hotel made copious notes as I explained how the newly refurbished rooms could be better and I was impressed with her diligence in the matter. Upon being quizzed at her surprise when she saw my name she told me that she thought I had cancelled the contract with the Holiday Inn at Melbourne airport. I didn’t even try to bother and explain that I did not have a contract and just assumed that the “other” Tony Hancock would not be staying there again.

The doors to the Qantas First Class Lounge swished open and one could cut through the Platinum Sense of Entitlement with a butter knife. The Lounge was full to the brim of it. I had forgotten, or more to the point my brain had tried to mask the existence of the Qantas flight to LA. At least the school holidays were over so Platinumus Familius would not dominate the lounge.


An artist's impression of the Qantas First class Lounge

I refused to be daunted, for I myself was a Qantas Platinum type. As I looked around I realised that it had not been necessary for Griselda to iron my Bingtang Singlet, but I was pleased that she had purchased the special “Australia Day” flip flops or “thongs” as the locals called them. I tried to blend in as I headed through the, unusually, sparsely populated lounge to the cafeteria for breakfast.

“A pot of English Breakfast tea and a champagne please” I winked at the waiter as I asked for the champagne. I assumed this was the special code required to ensure the champagne flute was filled with Bintang Lager. I didn’t want to look like a BA Gold Guest List type on my first visit to the Qantas [-]RSL Club[/-] First Lounge in 2017.

I looked around the restaurant but rather wish I hadn’t. It was a scene of devastation and depredation I wanted to blend in with my fellow platinum types so much but just couldn’t bring myself to hold the champagne glass by the bowl, nor did I find it easy chewing with my mouth open, or shovelling food into my mouth with the fork whilst ensuring I ordered every last food offering available on the menu.

I spotted what appeared to be a Qantas Platinum One type, I think he was explaining to staff that he was still waiting for the expensive bottle of champagne Qantas had allegedly sent to him prior to Christmas. How I yearned for this sort of interaction with the lounge staff. (Even if they didn’t actually work for Qantas.)

Griselda had selected a single seat near the front door of the big, but not biggest, Qantas aeroplane. Surprisingly she had done a rather good job and I had my own personal steward sitting opposite me during take off. It proved an opportune moment to list my requirements for the flight.

Tomato soup, lamb, and cheesecake? What on earth was going on here then? Had Qantas parted ways with Fred Perry? This was a half decent menu and the food was perfectly acceptable. What was even better was the Penfold’s Bin 28, well the two bottles I consumed were rather nice.



Griselda had also provided two rubber bands to hold my little TV onto the slightly bigger Qantas TV so that I did not have to watch dreadful Hollywood movies or even worse American TV shows. I watched a documentary about the great Dick Fuld. To this day I don’t understand why the American Government didn’t help him out of his spot of bother. Personally I think there should have been a fine for those dreadful people who defaulted on their mortgages and that could have been used to help Mr Fuld….but I digress……again.

I was getting the hang of Hong Kong Airport, it had only taken me 15 years. Griselda had instructed me to look out for the arrival gate number and try and avoid the E transfer area. As everyone else headed right I fought a tidal wave of passengers and headed left to the W transfer area. With absolutely no passengers in the security area I breezed through and headed straight for the Cathay Pacific Pier First Class Lounge and a rather pleasant Dry Martini.

The Pier First class lounge was at its serene best as I settled into a comfortable lounge chair. I did wonder if Cathay Pacific had planned to build the lounge as far away as it could from the gates used by Qantas to deter the Qantas Platinum types from visiting.

There was no beep at the gate, and this was annoying. Griselda had checked and assured me that there were still First Class seats available. Poor form from British Airways. Griselda will be writing a letter to…err……errr….well someone.

I declined the main meal and settled for the two small pieces of cheese a couple of grapes, apparently the "cheese platter", and a bottle or so of something red and tolerable. Soon I was fast asleep, and because I was on the British airways big aeroplane, I was able to leave my glass on top of the side storage compartments. It could be collected as we landed when the British Airways stewards and stewardesses could be bothered to clear up.

Having also skipped breakfast I raced to the Concorde Room at Heathrow Airport and tucked into the fabulous traditional English affair, before setting off to some far-flung place in Norway.


The Concorde Room - quite civilised and not requiring an artists impression.

“…but …but…but I don’t want to enter Norway!” I found myself remonstrating with ground staff at Bergen Airport.

“You need to go through immigration.” The stern young lady repeated and pointed at the desks to her left.

“I am getting back on that plane.” I said, realising how odd that actually was to someone with no familiarity of Griselda’s travel planning.

Finally the issue was settled when the chap behind the immigration desk instructed the ground staff member it was OK and I relaxed enough to phone Griselda, reverse charge of course, and ask what on earth was going on. Apparently there had been some changes to the layout at Bergen but I was not to worry. :?: (What on earth do I almost pay Griselda for?)

After the initial confusion, and my, by now, well practised explanation the Purser began to understand that there was a benefit to starting journeys in Norway. I have to say the service was rather good on the return to Heathrow.

My second arrival into London was in daylight, not that there is much of that in Winter in Blighty, and at one stage I thought I caught a glimpse of the England coach arriving at “Twickers” for the rugger. I’m not a rugger man myself but I do like to see The French get a jolly good beating and England obliged by in emphatic style with a 19 points to 16 thrashing.

At least this trip was relatively short, just nine days in Blighty, but I did have to face a stay at the Holiday Inn at Walsall again.

TTFN

 

[love_the_life]

Oh Mr Hancock, good sir, it looks like you will have your work cut out for you this year. Fancy having to stay at Hooloday Inn, enough to drive anyone nuts :shock:
Rest assured the dreaded Fred Perry menus are still lurking there, waiting till you let down your guard.

 

[drron]

I actually know some folk who live in Walsall.Possibly could put you up.
And poor old Dick.We were outside his office when it all went belly up.I waited and was going to hand him my small change but he must have gone out the back door.

 

[TonyHancock]

“err….errrr Griselda has reorganised my flights and apparently I am now flying from Sydney,” :shock:

In all of my many years of jetsetting this was the first time I had found myself explaining to an immigration officer why I needed to head back to something he referred to as landside.

I’m getting ahead of myself though it is now June and I was on my way to Blighty again, the last time I posted I was still in Blighty and it was February. I was about to start another expedition home, via Norway.

Breakfast in the Concorde Room, endure British Airways Club Europe to some far off place in Norway, explain to the customer service manager what I was doing, make the same joke about not leaving without me, return to London Heathrow, suffer the awful transfer process, dine in the Concorde Room, consume four Dry Martinis, expertly made by Lucilla, and then wake up on approach to Hong Kong, in a rear facing Club World window seat, with a headache. Yes travel is fun.

The Pier First Class lounge would provide a short respite and time for the odd Dry Martini.....hic

This particular trip had been a 10 day jaunt including flights and was becoming very much the norm in my life. It was all part of Griselda’s torture and I was suffering in silence. Little did I know what was to come…..

“Mr Hancock” Griselda cooed, well I think it was a coo, it is difficult to tell with her shrill tone.

“Yes Miss Pugh” I sighed.

“There have been a few changes to your upcoming travel plans.”

This was not going to be good. Griselda had that look of glee in her eyes that could only mean I was to suffer extensively.

“Do you remember the honorary professership you are due to receive in China?”

“Of course” I lied, wondering if this particular honorary title might provide an income stream befitting someone of my importance.

“Well the dates have been finalised and you will need to be in China at the beginning of April” Griselda hissed.

“Oh” I said, wondering if Sid’s tip in the 2:30 might be worth a punt.

“It will mean a rather tight schedule Mr Hancock, you will need to get back to Melbourne, from Hong Kong and then fly straight to Heathrow, via Hong Kong.”

“I’m sure you will sort it out Miss Pugh.” I was still in two minds about the 2:30.

What I did not expect was a travel schedule that was nothing short of a living hell. Seven days at home in two and a half months, two trips to China, three to the UK and one to the USA. Oh and for good measure a day trip to Sydney. What on earth was this xanthippe thinking?

I had barely returned from a winter visit to blighty where a small dusting of snow meant that traffic pretty much ground to a halt, my assumption at the time that it was “the wrong type of snow”. I wondered if the unemployed could be put to use clearing the snow to earn the benefits. Now this was an idea, I mused upon it for a day or so before I realised Katie Hopkins had probably already patented it.



I thought that the cost cutting at BA had reached it nadir with the removal of the flower from the toilet in First Class, but it soon became apparent that further cost cutting meant that BA aeroplanes would be towed from the gate by a man with a rope. It left a tear in my eye as I reminisced about Geoff Capes competing in “The World’s Strongest Man” all of those years ago.




Dreadful Colonial aeroplane in front of lovely plane of Her Majesty's airline.

Stavanger had not changed since my visit the week previously, although I did wonder what life was like outside of the airport. (Had the evil naz_ menace left after World War 2?) Funnily enough the snow appeared to be the right type.



Griselda had at least ensured that I flew with the Swire Group back to Melbourne from Hong Kong and I managed to avoid the dreadful Fred Perry supper menu that Qantas, somewhat bizarrely promotes on that particular route. I did sneak in something called a hamburger in the rather marvelous Cathay First Class lounge though.

 

[lakeman]

Welcome back Professor !

 

[Pablo]

Welcome back Mr Hancock. I hope Griselda has been suitably punished for the delays in our entertainment.