grussellt
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I assured a good friend that he could easily use his QFF points for a RTW trip if he simply planned ahead, remained flexible and did his homework. Here he recounts his "Ode to Alan Joyce":
THE EASE OF CLAIMING FREQUENT FLYER MILES ( Redacted ?)
The month was October 2012, it was actually the first of the month; it was a Monday after golf (I played well) and I had built up the enthusiasm to ring Qantas and redeem our considerable number of QFF points.
We wanted to fly around the world, business class in April/May 2013.
We had sufficient points for one fare.
So there, the scene is set; a clear and confident mind, sufficient points, six months notice, seeking a product that the airline had been promoting strongly; in fact the unstoppable barrage of emails was starting to irritate me.
I had set aside one hour in case they might have been busy
Oh, by the way I had previously tried four times to do this exercise on line but with absolutely no success; you needed a one world membership number which you couldn’t get unless you were a member (Joseph Heller designed the system), a strong understanding of both the Northern constellation and the Southern constellation, world tide charts and a PhD in computer and airline flight navigation. I had none of those which would explain why I failed.
I pressed the magic numbers 13 11 31……..after 2 minutes and 34 seconds a sheila said “Welcome to the Qantas Frequent Flyer Programme – your call is important to us – you have been placed in a queue and the first available operator will assist you “….OK so far so good - I had made the Russian Earl Grey and had a slab of Uncle Remus’ date slice so I was in good shape.
It was 2.12pm.
After 17 minutes I put the elevator music on the squawk box which exacerbated the irritation to a degree but enabled free hands.
Suddenly, and without warning a real person came on the line “Good afternoon QFF Dorothy speaking, how may I help you? “
I fumbled the Uniden xDect squawk box button clumsily but with excitement and success – “Good afternoon Dorothy, John H is my name and I would like to book a round the world flight, business class using my points. “Certainly Mr. H – what is your FF number ? “.. I gave it to her…..” When would you like to go? “ …” Well, Dorothy, there’s the good news for both of us – we are very flexible , say any time in April or May “……” That should be no problem “said Dorothy…..my adrenalin flow increased with that reassuring phrase.
Dorothy and I discussed, inter alia, dates, routes, airlines, one world, airbuses, 777s, aisle vs window seats, flat beds, meals, children’s sport, being retrenched, Alan Joyce and pavlova recipe that her friend Cheryl from Coleambally had given her.
We tried 3645 combinations which did actually take some time given that Dorothy had to go into each day and each route separately - the system does not allow a global search of available FF seats.
It was 4.17 pm and I wanted to go to the toilet; I strongly suspect Dorothy did too but I dare not risk embarrassing noises that might be overheard via the Uniden L 91 Omni directional microphone…I pushed on as I had a feeble feeling that victory was nigh.
At precisely 5.01 pm Dorothy had delivered an itinerary that involved 5 airlines, 6 countries and 2 unwelcome nights in Tokyo (are you still with me ?) having us arrive in Orly, the busiest and most inconvenient airport in Europe…” The taxes are slightly higher Mr H because of the French Government…”….” But we do seem to have succeeded in satisfying your need”……..hmm….
“That is indeed good news Dorothy and I appreciate your patience – now for the easy bit – can we book a paid fare for my wife to join me on this stunning exercise in circumlocution? “ “Certainly Mr Henderson “….and then Dorothy teased me again with that false decoy type phrase “that should be no problem.”
Look, lest I lose you altogether I will refrain from dragging you through the painstaking exercise of my wife’s fare (or should that be my fare? ) arrangements but they were basically a blueprint of the first exercise but we ended up with SWMBO sitting next to me for most of the 11 legs of the journey but she would have to spend an additional night in Tokyo;..being intimately familiar with her stoicism I felt that she could cope with that.
It was 6.17pm.
“ Dorothy”, I said “ I think you’ve nailed it “…she giggled with delight ( I envisioned Dorothy as being in her 50’s , happy, slightly plump with grey or purple rinse hair and would not even take her orthodontist to task for her ill fitting dentures – a nice person)…..” so, we have the $1435 in taxes for my fare” ..” Yes “said Dorothy …” and what is the total of my wife’s fare?”
“$13,825.65 “said Dorothy.
“Are you there Mr H? “
“No I am not Dorothy – I am reasonably sure I have just had a massive coronary occlusion and I am dead “
“What’s happened Mr Henderson?”
“ Are you kidding Dorothy – we have just spent over 5 hours on the telephone trying to buy a simple product that your company had advertised heavily and the net result is more expensive than 2 full business class fares, rack rate. You don’t seem to be as emotionally exhausted as I am but if you are half as exhausted you will need a vacation – perhaps you could use my tickets”
‘I am so sorry to have wasted your afternoon but I am too poor to proceed with the purchase of that product “and without so much as a sigh, Dorothy said “ Not a problem Mr H, is there anything else I can help you with? “
I was grateful that Dorothy could not actually see me rocking backwards and forwards in the foetal position but she did hear my feeble giggle her response to which was “Oh, yes I notice you discontinued you Qantas Club membership after 27 years, was there any reason for that? “
“Yes,” I said curtly but not too curtly as Dorothy was a nice lady “because there are more people inside the Qantas Club than there are sitting in the plastic chairs outside “
“Oh, I see “she said with the first note of disappointment I detected.
My intimate and intense 5 hour relationship with Dorothy ended with her saying “ If we can help you in the future please do not hesitate to call “
I rang Virgin the next day, booked the flights we wanted on the days we wanted, paid $7k each for what we have found to be the best business class in the skies and Robert was our Uncle.
This ramble has been recounted true to a tee.
Sir Dick vs the leprechaun – no contest.
Now I'll have to see how he goes buying AA miles!
THE EASE OF CLAIMING FREQUENT FLYER MILES ( Redacted ?)
The month was October 2012, it was actually the first of the month; it was a Monday after golf (I played well) and I had built up the enthusiasm to ring Qantas and redeem our considerable number of QFF points.
We wanted to fly around the world, business class in April/May 2013.
We had sufficient points for one fare.
So there, the scene is set; a clear and confident mind, sufficient points, six months notice, seeking a product that the airline had been promoting strongly; in fact the unstoppable barrage of emails was starting to irritate me.
I had set aside one hour in case they might have been busy
Oh, by the way I had previously tried four times to do this exercise on line but with absolutely no success; you needed a one world membership number which you couldn’t get unless you were a member (Joseph Heller designed the system), a strong understanding of both the Northern constellation and the Southern constellation, world tide charts and a PhD in computer and airline flight navigation. I had none of those which would explain why I failed.
I pressed the magic numbers 13 11 31……..after 2 minutes and 34 seconds a sheila said “Welcome to the Qantas Frequent Flyer Programme – your call is important to us – you have been placed in a queue and the first available operator will assist you “….OK so far so good - I had made the Russian Earl Grey and had a slab of Uncle Remus’ date slice so I was in good shape.
It was 2.12pm.
After 17 minutes I put the elevator music on the squawk box which exacerbated the irritation to a degree but enabled free hands.
Suddenly, and without warning a real person came on the line “Good afternoon QFF Dorothy speaking, how may I help you? “
I fumbled the Uniden xDect squawk box button clumsily but with excitement and success – “Good afternoon Dorothy, John H is my name and I would like to book a round the world flight, business class using my points. “Certainly Mr. H – what is your FF number ? “.. I gave it to her…..” When would you like to go? “ …” Well, Dorothy, there’s the good news for both of us – we are very flexible , say any time in April or May “……” That should be no problem “said Dorothy…..my adrenalin flow increased with that reassuring phrase.
Dorothy and I discussed, inter alia, dates, routes, airlines, one world, airbuses, 777s, aisle vs window seats, flat beds, meals, children’s sport, being retrenched, Alan Joyce and pavlova recipe that her friend Cheryl from Coleambally had given her.
We tried 3645 combinations which did actually take some time given that Dorothy had to go into each day and each route separately - the system does not allow a global search of available FF seats.
It was 4.17 pm and I wanted to go to the toilet; I strongly suspect Dorothy did too but I dare not risk embarrassing noises that might be overheard via the Uniden L 91 Omni directional microphone…I pushed on as I had a feeble feeling that victory was nigh.
At precisely 5.01 pm Dorothy had delivered an itinerary that involved 5 airlines, 6 countries and 2 unwelcome nights in Tokyo (are you still with me ?) having us arrive in Orly, the busiest and most inconvenient airport in Europe…” The taxes are slightly higher Mr H because of the French Government…”….” But we do seem to have succeeded in satisfying your need”……..hmm….
“That is indeed good news Dorothy and I appreciate your patience – now for the easy bit – can we book a paid fare for my wife to join me on this stunning exercise in circumlocution? “ “Certainly Mr Henderson “….and then Dorothy teased me again with that false decoy type phrase “that should be no problem.”
Look, lest I lose you altogether I will refrain from dragging you through the painstaking exercise of my wife’s fare (or should that be my fare? ) arrangements but they were basically a blueprint of the first exercise but we ended up with SWMBO sitting next to me for most of the 11 legs of the journey but she would have to spend an additional night in Tokyo;..being intimately familiar with her stoicism I felt that she could cope with that.
It was 6.17pm.
“ Dorothy”, I said “ I think you’ve nailed it “…she giggled with delight ( I envisioned Dorothy as being in her 50’s , happy, slightly plump with grey or purple rinse hair and would not even take her orthodontist to task for her ill fitting dentures – a nice person)…..” so, we have the $1435 in taxes for my fare” ..” Yes “said Dorothy …” and what is the total of my wife’s fare?”
“$13,825.65 “said Dorothy.
“Are you there Mr H? “
“No I am not Dorothy – I am reasonably sure I have just had a massive coronary occlusion and I am dead “
“What’s happened Mr Henderson?”
“ Are you kidding Dorothy – we have just spent over 5 hours on the telephone trying to buy a simple product that your company had advertised heavily and the net result is more expensive than 2 full business class fares, rack rate. You don’t seem to be as emotionally exhausted as I am but if you are half as exhausted you will need a vacation – perhaps you could use my tickets”
‘I am so sorry to have wasted your afternoon but I am too poor to proceed with the purchase of that product “and without so much as a sigh, Dorothy said “ Not a problem Mr H, is there anything else I can help you with? “
I was grateful that Dorothy could not actually see me rocking backwards and forwards in the foetal position but she did hear my feeble giggle her response to which was “Oh, yes I notice you discontinued you Qantas Club membership after 27 years, was there any reason for that? “
“Yes,” I said curtly but not too curtly as Dorothy was a nice lady “because there are more people inside the Qantas Club than there are sitting in the plastic chairs outside “
“Oh, I see “she said with the first note of disappointment I detected.
My intimate and intense 5 hour relationship with Dorothy ended with her saying “ If we can help you in the future please do not hesitate to call “
I rang Virgin the next day, booked the flights we wanted on the days we wanted, paid $7k each for what we have found to be the best business class in the skies and Robert was our Uncle.
This ramble has been recounted true to a tee.
Sir Dick vs the leprechaun – no contest.
Now I'll have to see how he goes buying AA miles!
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