Been doing the Brisbane–Melbourne shuffle about four times a week lately and I must have angered the Flying Kangaroo gods, because it’s been one long comedy of errors. Here’s my recent QF bingo card:
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1. The Great A220 Overhead Locker Myth
Apparently the A220 business cabin has “more” overhead space. Cute theory — until you’re in Row 1 (Delta Foxtrot) and realise half your bin’s taken up by crew kit. Cue the bag-shuffling tango and passive-aggressive “That’s my space” exchanges. For the record: overhead bins are not crown land above your head.
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2. Pre-Takeoff Drinks: The Mind Boggler
Sometimes you get a pre-departure water, sometimes you don’t. How is it that Virgin manages
actual drinks before pushback, while Qantas — “premium full-service airline” — is playing hydration roulette? Someone explain this sorcery.
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3. The Curry That Time Forgot
Neil Perry’s “Bali-meets-South Africa-via-East-India-spice” curry is now officially the longest-running item in aviation history. The alternate? Chicken, beans, rice, and dessert roulette (sticky date muffin or carrot cake). Crew keep apologising, which is lovely, but surely we can do better than chicken-salmon-chicken-curry Groundhog Day.
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4. Wi-Fi Woes
Streaming Foxtel Go or Netflix on the A220? Good luck. You might get the buffering circle of doom. Oddly enough, I’ve had better luck on the 737s. Coincidence? Bad luck? Or just the Wi-Fi gods telling me to read a book?
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5. Premium Security: Brisbane After Hours Edition
Evenings at BNE: Qantas’ dedicated premium check-in/security is closed, so you’re in with the masses. Meanwhile, Virgin’s lane across the hall is still open. Might be an airport decision, but the effect is the same — premium pax sprinting through regular security like they’re in a low-budget Amazing Race episode.
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6. Lounges After 8pm: Salad Roulette
Arrive at the lounge post-8pm and you’ll find Spice Alley shut, hot food gone, and the “fresh” option being the same bowl of cucumbers that’s been glaring at you since lunchtime. Add a few bits of sad salad and you’ve got yourself Russian roulette, gastro edition.
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7. Brisbane Lounge DIY Drinks? Not a Thing
Want a quick drink without queueing? Too bad. No self-service option in Brisbane’s business lounge. If the bar’s understaffed (it often is), you’ll be rehearsing your drink order in line like you’re at a music festival.
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8. Brisbane Lounge Access Control: Optional
Business lounge desk often unattended. Seen plenty of people wander up the premium escalator without a boarding pass check. With construction pushing everyone through the same entrance, it’s basically “Come one, come all” right now.
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9.A220 Bathroom Chat Room
No curtain at the front of the A220 means the loo queue forms in the business cabin. Add a couple of chatty types and suddenly you’ve got a standing-room social club in your aisle. Virgin solves this with a rope. Rope. Genius.
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Recommendations from Your Over-Travelled, Possibly Entitled Poster:
• Let us pre-select meals 24 hours before departure on the “Golden Triangle” — better for waste, better for passengers, better for everyone’s sanity.
• Keep premium security open at night. Revolutionary, I know.
• Brisbane lounge: a small self-serve drink area wouldn’t kill anyone.
• Freshen up evening lounge food so it doesn’t look like it’s been auditioning for “MasterChef: Day-Old Leftovers Edition.”
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Final Thoughts
Yes, I know I sound like
that premium passenger. But Im not. I assure you
But when you’re in the air this much and paying QF’s premium fares, you start expecting the basics to be… well… basic. The crew are still the saving grace — genuinely fantastic most of the time. But the rest? Needs work.
Over to you, AFF brain trust — am I being too precious, or is this all hitting a little too close to home? Maybe a few flights back at Va to start appreciating Qf again.
Rant over.
