A bit of humour

[Hvr]

Why did the man sew packets of Tic Tacs inside his waistcoat?

Because his broker told him he needed more in vest mints!

 

[Hvr]

It's not my fault I got detained at the Airport. The TSA agent steered me into the full-body scanner and yelled out, "If you've got anything in your pants you will have to take it out and hold it in your hand!" She could have been more specific!

 

[Hvr]

Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer Nuts are $1.99; deer nuts are under a buck.

 

[Major]

Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...


Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to Bunning's.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.


"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts!

That is genuinely laugh out loud

 

[Major]

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
...
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

" I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your E-mail!

 

[markis10]

Bit worried about the message on my chopsticks the other day.

 

[QF WP]

Because the food is going to get cold quickly??

 

[markis10]

Because the food is going to get cold quickly??

It was Sushi!

 

[QF WP]

Poor translation into Jenglish then...

 

[whatmeworry]

First pictures of the new prince...

 

[Ikara]

I think Darren Lehman has got it sorted.

JB

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer ...................

"My Rolex!"

​

 

[Major]

A man was sitting in the bar at Sydney Airline Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.

"I still call Australia home," he says to her.
She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare. "Obviously not with QANTAS, " he thought.

Still hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?."

She gave him a blank stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."

She gave him the same look, and he mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...." and said, "Smooth as silk."

This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the cough* do you want ?"

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"

 

[Hvr]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer ...................

"My Rolex!"

​

Must've been a pilot on his second career.

 

[markis10]

 

[Hvr]

Interesting that police oficer didn't indulge in any pillow talk with the occupant of the car

And it just goes to show it's not always good when the sandman pays you a visit.

 

[JohnM]

PICKUP LINES

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200??"

 

[JohnM]

The Confession

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says,
"Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been
with a loose woman".The Priest says,"Is that you
Tommy?"
"Yes father, it's me."

"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want
to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
"No father."
"Was it Amy Thomas?"
"No father."
"Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
"NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your
perseverance, but you must atone for your sins.
Your pennace will be four Our Fathers and five
Hail Marys.
Go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean
slides over and whispers,"What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys,
and six good leads!!.

 

[straitman]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the cough and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.