A bit of humour

[codash1099]

A bit of speed:

https://www.facebook.com/JamesHCartwright/posts/10211856236978997

 

[Captain Halliday]

I didn't see a single pelican. In fact, I didn't see any birds with a disability crossing the road.


I considered both the "grammar" and "View from my Office" threads for this one. So many choices of AFF will drive a man to drink. Now, where's that Dan Murphy thread...

 

[straitman]

Louie and Rose lived in an old folks’ retirement community, he a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, Louie took a few admiring glances at Rose and finally gathered the courage to ask her: “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, Louie was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called Rose. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear Rose say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”


​

 

[Hvr]

I guess it's true then.






A mushroom goes into a bar and the bartender said, "We don't serve your kind in here!"
The mushroom asked, "Why not? I'm a fungi, and I can grow on you!"

Why are gorillas nostrils so big?
Have you seen the size of their fingers?

What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.

 

[Hvr]

Always better than an ICBM.

 

[Hvr]

As Homer says, it's funny 'coz it's true!

And to complete the set.

 

[Hvr]

A movie director decides that he's going to make a movie based on the lives of famous classical composers.
Looking for a prospective cast, he asks Sylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie.
Stallone thinks for a moment and says, "I like Mozart. Let me be Mozart."
The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who he'd like to play.

Arnold replies, "I'll be Bach!"


+++++++++++++++++++++



On my 74th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby ,
he was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction!

After being persuaded, I made the visit and handed my ticket to the medicine man.
I wondered what I was in for.

The old man handed a potion to me, and with a grip on my shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged.
As I walked away, I turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
He said "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"

I responded, and he said:
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom.
When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,
and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"







And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition,
because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[Hvr]

I just made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It's not exactly the Ritz.

++++++++++++++++++++


In a particular small country, there was a king.

He was much beloved of the people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor people and could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks, and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him.

And the king was pleased.

Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peace offering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously and was most pleased.

The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable. So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massive throne in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.


The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


+++++++++++++++++++++


I just got back from the zoo.
I saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.






It was bread in captivity.

 

[Hvr]

And here's another one.

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

Just a warning.

 

[Hvr]

Did you know they won't be making yard sticks any longer?

 

[Hvr]

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

+++++++++++++++++++

 

[Hvr]

Way too true!

 

[Hvr]

Wise advice.

 

[Hvr]

What is an electrician’s favourite ice cream flavour?
Shock-o-lot

What is another name for an electrical apprentice?
Shock absorber

Why are the electricians always up to date?
Because they are "current specialists".

Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm?
Because he couldn’t resistor!

What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon

What do you call a bad electrician?
A shocking!

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

Being sick and off work HVR has given you waaaaay too much computer time.

 

[love_the_life]

hvr, those are all really 'boom boom' ones

 

[codash1099]

American Airlines Admirals Club Installs Two-Way Mirror For Members To Enjoy Misery Of Passengers In Gate Waiting Area - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

[kelvedon]

American Airlines Admirals Club Installs Two-Way Mirror For Members To Enjoy Misery Of Passengers In Gate Waiting Area - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Scrolling down I loved the Bluetooth cordless hose.