A bit of humour

[codash1099]

Some views of the Hudson "landing"

 

[JohnK]

Smile, it's only Golf:

"Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five."

 

[oz_mark]

One for the IT geeks out there (courtesy of xkcd):

Sometimes xkcd can be a bit obscure:

 

[NM]

Smile, it's only Golf:

"Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five."

I believe that quote is attributed to Paul Harvey.

As Mark Twain so famously said, "Golf is a good walk, ruined."

Some other famous golf quotes"

Ben Hogan: I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.

Billy Graham: The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

William Wordsworth: Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

Arnold Daly: Golf is like a love affair if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun. If you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.

Bob Hope: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Jim Bishop: Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

Jack Lemmon: If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Will Rogers: I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

Ben Hogan: Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.

Woodrow Wilson: Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.

Jerry Seinfeld: The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

T. S. Eliot: And the wind shall say Here were decent godless people. Their only monument the asphalt road. And a thousand lost golf balls.

Franklin P. Adams: Years ago we discovered the exact point the dead center of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.

Earnest Hemingway: The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.

 

[codash1099]

Two newlyweds arrive at the honeymoon suite on their wedding
night. The groom says,

"Honey, I've got a confession to make...I'm addicted to golf! I
have to be out on the course morning, noon, and night. I don't
know how you want to deal with it, but I'm going to be out there"

"That's OK!" said his blushing bride, "I've got a confession to
make too... I'm a hooker!"

"No big deal!" replied the groom, "Just loosen your grip, and
open the club face."

 

[Alanslegal]

An Australian guy is travelling around the GreekIslands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia ..

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'I just moved into Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'I'm from Glen Iris - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

 

[straitman]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading emails.

- You hang in there sunshine!

 

[codash1099]

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He
was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife
loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or
the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My
husband's home!"

 

[codash1099]

How Many Forum Members Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop

4 to say that they’ve been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years

12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it

1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb

1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads

12 to post that they shouldn’t mention limited releases because someone might buy them to resell

1 to insist he has every right to buy and sell lightbulbs

1 to obsessively insist that no-one should make profit from lightbulbs on this forum

5 to post that they’ve collected 11 of the limited edition lightbulbs already so might as well get the whole set.

8 to say that their electric company sent them 4 free lightbulbs, when quite clearly they would have preferred the moon on a stick.

11 to reply that it’s not a personal lightbulb anecdote storage facility

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add “Me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

[bambbbam2]

How to speak New Zilland

A is for Arm
Uttered when thinking.

B is for Bull
What you're charged for a meal.

C is for Cuds
Children.

D is for Donut
Long version of don't.

E is for Ear
What we breath.

F is for Fush
Sea Creatures.

G is for Guess
Used for cooking or heating.

H is for Hull
Land which isn't flat.

I is for Ice cream
What I do when the All Blacks lose.

J is for Jug
Type of Irish dance.

K is for Ken's
Popular holiday city in Queensland.

L is for lust
Something you write before going shopping.

M is for Milburn
Capital of Victoria.

N is for Nutter
To have a yarn.

O is for One doze
A pane of glass in a wall.

P is for Pigs
Found on a clothes line.

Q is for Quad
Slang term for a British pound Note.

R is for Rung
A piece of Jewellery.

S is for sucks
The number after five.

T is for Tin
The number after nine.

U is for Undies
West Undies. Good at cricket.

V is for Volley
Area between two hulls.

W is for Windy
A girls name.

X is for Xylophone
It's the same in any language.

Y is for Yuppie
An expression of delight.

 

[anat0l]

How to speak New Zilland
<snip>

All rut. Thit's twuce new. Step mikin fin ef Nu Ziilandas.

 

[wallacej]

How Many Forum Members Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

LOL...well done, here is an extra line - (sorry couldn't help myself)

and 3 to take it OT, then apologise for doing so.

 

[serfty]

How to speak New Zilland
...

Please see post #454

The Australian Frequent Flyer Online Community - View Single Post - A BIT OF HUMOUR

 

[bambbbam2]

All rut. Thit's twuce new. Step mikin fin ef Nu Ziilandas.

I presumed it does take two goes for the NZ'ers to get the joke..

 

[somebol]

The JetStar ad proclaiming star class as "International Business Class"

 

[NM]

and 3 to take it OT, then apologise for doing so.

Since when does one apologise for such transgressions?

 

[anat0l]

I presumed it does take two goes for the NZ'ers to get the joke..

I never said I was from New Zealand....

 

[Bundy Bear]

Please see post #454

The Australian Frequent Flyer Online Community - View Single Post - A BIT OF HUMOUR

Remember that Anat0l is off to Nuw Zilland tomorrow so he needed a refresher course on how to speak kiwi.

 

[wallacej]

Since when does one apologise for such transgressions?

ooops... sorry!

 

[JohnK]

How Many Forum Members Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Classic and so relevant to AFF....