2016 The Hancock Year of Hell

[TonyHancock]

Wandering the streets of San Francisco in January we came across this VERY dodgy looking establishment. (Sorry about the reflections)

i knew Griselda was up to something.

 

[TonyHancock]

I woke up at 5:30 AM,130 miles from Heathrow Airport, in a cold sweat and a blind panic. It must have been two whole minutes before it dawned upon me that I did not have to fly to Norway within a couple of hours. I called Griselda to double check.

“No, no, no Mr. Hancock, today you get to fly directly from Heathrow on the 9:45 PM flight.” Griselda roared, almost reassuringly, down the line.

“Eh? How Come?” I started, but quickly realized that I would finish up on the other end of one of Griselda’s lectures. “It’s OK I’ll just take your word” I finished, cutting Griselda off before she could start.

The novelty of the Concorde Room at Heathrow Terminal 5 was wearing off a little now. This was to be my 10[SUP]th[/SUP] visit since the end of January. I chose not to dine in the restaurant and ordered the BA burger from the lounge menu.

The service in the lounge is impeccable. When I first visited the lounge I didn’t quite realize how it all worked, but now, as a “regular” I understand quite well and do appreciate the level of service and the serenity compared to the First Class Lounge.

Griselda would be writing a further letter to Mr Willie Walsh after the lack of a beep, yet again, as my boarding pass was scanned. Despite three seats available for sale in First I would still be sitting in “Club World.” Pfffft.

To make matters worse I found myself queuing at the aircraft door with a wide selection of economy types.

The stewardess greeting passengers at the door was wearing a hat. Mmmmmmm Mixed Fleet. The hat is important on the 777 because it signifies 100% that the cabin crew members are of the mixed fleet variety. Enthusiastic and unpolished was to be the service on board. So whilst my whisky would be delivered with a delightful smile it was highly unlikely the empty glass would be collected at all.

I skipped the evening meal and settled for a whisky, a red wine and the cheese plate. The crew at least remembered to ask me ahead of the other passengers in Club World what my dining choices were so I felt they at least knew who I was.

The late arrival into Singapore presented a few difficulties, almost as many as the buffoon that found the entry and exit to the Concorde Room Bar well beyond his capabilities and held me up for at least five minutes as he fought the door and had just about every member of staff involved.

Griselda had told me to go to the Qantas Lounge service desk to get my boarding pass printed for the Sydney to Melbourne final leg of my trip. Griselda had already checked me in but suggested life was much easier if I had a printed boarding pass.

“Could you print my boarding pass for the Sydney to Melbourne flight I have tomorrow please, I am already checked in?” I asked.

“We can’t do anything here for Australian domestic flights” was the response I did not expect.

I headed back to the BA lounge to find a printer but was held up by the buffoon’s continued fight with the Concorde Room Bar door. I tried to explain the concept of automatic door opening but I fear the chap had the brain capacity of a very thick panda. (Actually that is probably a bit harsh on thick pandas.) When I did get to a printer the computer definitely said no. At this point I’m not sure who Griselda will be writing to about this.

BA did not mess about with supper menus or fancy celebrity chefs, their food offering was actually a proper simpler and fairer effort. I opted for the beef which was almost edible and followed up with the cheese plate. It was another mixed fleet crew so I kept my wine glass for the entire flight.



Sydney, the Manila of the southern hemisphere, was not half as bad as usual and I raced through immigration and customs but finished up being held up for fifteen minutes on the livestock truck to the domestic terminal as Qantas’ entire fleet all moved at the same time. “sigh”



At least the Airbus A330 was a newly refitted jobbie so I stretched out on my final flight of this trip.

Within 42 hours of landing back in Australia I would be boarding a flight to Singapore on my way to Shanghai………in economy. Oh the shame. :shock:

 

[Pushka]

I dunno. Those Pandas are pretty thick. Can't even reproduce to save their breed. Clearly with just a 36 hour fertile period each year, natural selection should have prevailed years ago but us humans interfere because the cubs are cute.

In Y? Good grief!

 

[OATEK]

<SNIP>

Within 42 hours of landing back in Australia I would be boarding a flight to Singapore on my way to Shanghai………in economy. Oh the shame. :shock:

You wouldn't believe how much we are all looking forward to this!!!!

 

[Pushka]

You wouldn't believe how much we are all looking forward to this!!!!

Should be a cracker. Poor Griselda.

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

Within 42 hours of landing back in Australia I would be boarding a flight to Singapore on my way to Shanghai………in economy. Oh the shame. :shock:

Surely that is a TYPO !!

 

[Stoopidsteve]

Surely that is a TYPO !!

no, no shame attached for Sir Tony to say he shares the pain of most of us, in earning a significant proportion* of his SCs in economy

(* "significant proportion" is defined, from the same lexicon as "Enhanced", or "Simpler & fairer")

 

[andye]

Don't panic yet -you could still get a beep at the gate

 

[drron]

Don't panic yet -you could still get a beep at the gate

I don't think he has yet worked out that TKWHI and so on Willie Walsh's orders there are to be no beeps at the gate.:shock:

 

[TomVexille]

Don't panic yet -you could still get a beep at the gate

I don't think he has yet worked out that TKWHI and so on Willie Walsh's orders there are to be no beeps at the gate.:shock:

I don't think Griselda put him on BA this time. More likely an airline that doesn't normally do op-ups

 

[andye]

I seem to remember that TH was a WP1 quite recently. If flying QF (or EK) , perhaps they'll try to tempt him back
If SQ it will be up to his general demeanour at the check-in I suppose
Surely Griselda wouldn't contemplate TZ

 

[Pushka]

I don't think Griselda put him on BA this time. More likely an airline that doesn't normally do op-ups

Like, Qantas for instance.

 

[TonyHancock]

“….but, but Griselda, I almost needed medical assistance.” I lamented weakly. “I can’t go through it again.”

“I’m sorry Mr Hancock but the alternatives are just too expensive” Griselda responded with, what I am certain was, an element of glee in her voice.

It had all started so well, the nice lady at the First Class check in counter had called me forward from the business class line and, despite one or two issues in understanding an APEC card, sorted me out and printed my boarding passes. She had rather kindly highlighted the number 5 in the boarding section and explained that Singapore Airlines boards by groups now.

“Groups?” I questioned. “…..but surely as a Virgin Platinum I am not subjected to this sort of thing?”

“Well you could show your platinum card to the gate staff.” She helpfully suggested in a manner that did not fill me with confidence.

The Singapore Lounge/Dungeon had two sections, First Class and Business Class. I optimistically headed for First Class but was dispatched to the Business Class section by the chappie at the door.

To describe the lighting as glaring would be a little like describing the sun as a bit bright on a cloudless day on the equator. I suppose there had to be some compensation for the overall dinginess and lack of windows to the outside world.



Fortunately, the mini burgers and sausage rolls were rather tasty, if you hadn’t eaten for a day, had your tastebuds assaulted by airline food for 24 hours and were suffering from extreme jet lag.

Griselda had warned me that I was not flying with a oneworld airline and that there might be a chance that gate staff might not know who I was. I suspect that she was secretly sniggering at this understatement.

The boarding process was quite strict, First Class, Business Class and something called Star Alliance Gold. Undeterred I marched forward waving my Virgin Australia Platinum Card and surprisingly I wasn’t challenged. There was no beep at the gate and I had no idea who Griselda should address a letter too but figured it would do no harm to copy Richard Branson in, he seems to be involved in everything.

I duly showed my boarding pass to the rather lovely lady at the aircraft door and waited for her to show me to my seat. This was all rather awkward and ended after a minute or so with her gesturing and pointing in the general direction of where I needed to be going. (Another letter me thinks.)

After the walk of shame through some rather plush, large, seats I reached a section filled with hundreds of seats, and breathed a sigh of relief as I realised the row numbers did not correspond to the number on my boarding pass.

My relief was short lived as I found myself entering another part of the plane with hundreds of seats and this time the number on my boarding pass did correspond to one of the rows. I had seen something like this before. It reminded me of the Club Europe set up that British Airways has. I could never quite figure out why the extra middle seat was there though. It would have been much easier to do away with the middle seat and make the seats either side of it wider.

As I squeezed into my aisle seat I looked at my new surroundings, to my horror people were actually beginning to sit down in the middle seats? It was beyond my understanding. I called one of the stewardesses over.

“Why are those people sitting in the middle seats?” I asked, pointing at the rows behind me.

“They are sitting in the seats that match their boarding passes” She responded with a facial expression that hinted she thought I might be a bit odd.

“Hmmmmm” I sort of half grunted whilst looking at the seat, currently empty, next to me.

The full horror dawned on me as a lady placed her handbag on the seat next to me whilst she looked for space to put her carry-on case. I was in economy for a long haul flight on an airline where nobody knew who I was. No amount of Concorde Room Card waving was going to help me through this living hell. I was at completely the wrong end of an aeroplane trapped with hundreds of economy passenger types. Worst of all I was sober. The three glasses of shiraz I consumed in the rather brightly lit lounge had not any impact at all.

I did wonder whether my condition qualified as a medical emergency and contemplated getting Griselda to send a rescue party but before I could even call her we were heading off down the runway.

The hot towels and proper menu did not really make up for my predicament. (Although the hot towels were a considerable step up from those offered by British Airways and Qantas in First Class.) Griselda had promised me that Singapore Airlines served a dry martini in economy, but the drinks menu suggested otherwise and the stewardess confirmed that it was no longer offered. If I could find someone to work for less than minimum wage, I had resolved to sack Griselda. The lack of a dry martini was the straw that broke the camel’s back.



Seven and a half hours of back numbing, cramped agony later we landed at Singapore’s Changi Airport. I was in a state of shock as I headed to the Singapore Airlines GoldenKris Lounge, having suffered the ignominy of being turned away from the SilverKris Lounge. A queue of a dozen or more people were lined up outside of a very crowded lounge and after a brief check of stride I headed off to the Dnata Lounge further down the corridor where my Priority Pass card served me well.

I called Griselda to see if my travel insurance would cover me for an emergency airlift but Griselda was under the impression that my suffering would not merit an airlift. (I could only wonder at what sort of extreme condition would if having to fly for seven and a half hours in economy was not considered an emergency.)

After two rounds of toast, a cup of tea, and a gin and tonic I attempted to steel myself for the next horror that awaited me. Apparently I was in boarding group six for the Singapore to Shanghai leg. I saw this as something to be ignored and trampled over a family of five in order to get the overhead locker space I required.

The situation was the same as my previous flight, although I was a little further forward than previously. The walk of shame through business class prompted further deterioration in my already delicate health and the big bloke approaching the seat next to me caused me to black out completely. It was my worst nightmare; I came to find myself staring at business class in front of me. :shock:



I declined “breakfast” and clutched my pack of Dettol hand sanitising wipes tightly as this particular interminable flight from Hell strengthened my resolve to seek a new secretary.

Fortunately, my APEC card allowed me a brief moment of respite and I ensured the bulk of passengers traveling in business class saw me wave it at the official and move to the head of the “special lane”. Even when at death’s door there is satisfaction in a lovely little DYKWIA moment like that.

The Hilton Hongqiao had no such problem recognising who I was and immediately upgraded my twin room to a two-bedroom Executive Suite. Without this I am certain my condition would have been fatal. I managed to sleep solidly in the king sized bed for a good eight hours before trying to watch all four of the TV’s spread about my rather large suite.



My near death experience had provided a few learning opportunities, not least for Griselda, or her replacement. Firstly, economy travel was not something that should be inflicted upon me in the future. Secondly I would need to contact all of the major airlines and show them where they are going wrong with the whole economy effort. It is not difficult. The answer is simple, on for example a Boeing 777, there should only be six seats across instead of the current nine. There would be far fewer complaints. Once again I wondered why something as simple as this had not been thought of before.

I had three days before my health would be tested again with my reverse journey, which Griselda could not change to a more appropriate class of travel, would begin. The mere thought made me tremble and I wondered if I would survive this time.

 

[SuzieQ68]

I am really enjoying this read, not your pain - I absolutely feel for you there, but love the TR!

 

[Pushka]

I am really enjoying this read, not your pain - I absolutely feel for you there, but love the TR!

I am not feeling his pain - I am rather enjoying the squirm factor.

 

[JohnK]

I am really enjoying this read, not your pain - I absolutely feel for you there, but love the TR!

What pain? Can't hide in the Concorde room forever. Need to face reality occasionally.

 

[OATEK]

I am not feeling his pain - I am rather enjoying the squirm factor.

The trip in Y was nearly as eventful as we hoped - can't wait for the next leg!

 

[SuzieQ68]

What pain? Can't hide in the Concorde room forever. Need to face reality occasionally.

True, but I think if I had the opportunity to avoid Y all the time, I'd definitely take it. Then again, a few flights in Y might make me appreciate the J experience even more. Oh, that's right, I usually travel Y .... lol .... so it's usually me looking longingly at the J cabin.

 

[JohnK]

True, but I think if I had the opportunity to avoid Y all the time, I'd definitely take it. Then again, a few flights in Y might make me appreciate the J experience even more. Oh, that's right, I usually travel Y .... lol .... so it's usually me looking longingly at the J cabin.

I think we'd all avoid economy given the opportunity. But the way I see it someone needs to fly down the back otherwise the aircraft won't be balanced and I can just as easily save some points/money in the process.

 

[Pablo]

I look forward to seeing what happens when Griselda books you on JQ to Asia. That will be heaven to read.