The Tony Hancock "Can you lead Australia in a Submarine Crisis" Quiz

TonyHancock

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After a few minutes of work, less than scientific research and absolutely no testing on the general public the Tony Hancock “Can you lead Australia in a Submarine Crisis?” quiz is finally complete.(ish) (Ten key questions with multiple choice answers.)Please answer all questions truthfully or just lie if you like. If an answer does not match exactly your own response just make something up that matches near enough. :p

The purpose of the quiz is to establish if you make the grade as a leader and diplomat in an international crisis :p

When you have completed the quiz add up your score and see if you make the grade see the end of the quiz for the scoring. Please, please, please, please don’t bother commenting about questions that should or shouldn’t be there or how the scoring should have been done etc. Just make your own quiz up instead!!

1. You decide that for Christmas you will treat yourself to a fleet of hi-tech submarines you....

a) Make contact with the world’s foremost military equipment provider, the USA, and sign up for a heap of Nuclear Subs with go faster stripes (20 Points)
b) Cozy up to a nation whose greatest naval success was sinking the Rainbow Warrior in Auckland harbour. (0 Points)
c) Adopt a “she’ll be right mate” approach and build them in Adelaide from scrap metal and used plutonium yourself. (15 Points)

2. Your new partner, “Sous-Marin(e)”, after five long years, comes up with a design to convert its nuclear offering into the diesel offering you so badly thought you needed, but the cost is a bit more than the $4.89 each promised, and they will be as noisy as AC/DC at Etihad Stadium in 2015, you....

a) Raise taxes by 10 cents in the dollar to pay for the undersea tractors (0 Points
b) Tell your new partner to clear off and sign up with someone who knows what they are doing and buy the quiet sleek nuclear option (20 Points)
c) Wonder why diesel was ever an option. (18 Points)

3. Having cancelled the contract with “Sous-Marin(e)” they take offence and the president, M. Microman, of the country they operate in withdraws its ambassador, you....

a) Immediately reinstate the contract because the ambassador’s withdrawal “showed you” (0 Points)
b) Laugh (15 Points)
c) Impose covid travel restrictions on the ambassador and fine him/her for leaving……and laugh. (20 Points)

4. Things heat up and the country, home to “Sous-Marin(e)”, declares war, you......

a) Run away and hide (0 Points)
b) Wave a couple of long bows and accept their immediate surrender (20 Points)
c) Ignore the declaration of war (5 Points)

5. M. Microman takes the issue further and removes all aid and assistance to Australia in the Pacific, you....

a) Realise this will be a huge problem and reinstate the contract (0 Points)
b) Don’t notice anything different (10 Points)
c) Take the matter to the United Nations (2 Points)

6. Relations between yourself and M. Microman are at an all-time low you.....

a) Send a 4L cask of Australian “Fresh dry White” wine as a peace offering (20 Points)
b) Worry that you will no longer be able to import escargot, cuisses de grenouilles and other delightful delicacies (0 Points)
c) Arrange a Pacific peace conference remembering to invite M. Microman (-5 Points)

7. M. Microman continues to complain about the contract cancellation, you........

a) Ask your friends in the UK and USA to help him get his toys back in the pram (20 Points)
b) Ask Jacinda Ardern to intervene on your behalf (-20 Points)
c) Wonder if you would have been better off buying 12 aircraft carriers from the UK instead. (15 Points)

8. M. Microman encourages his peers in the EU to cancel the ongoing free trade negotiations, you......

a) Immediately reinstate the contract (0 Points)
b) Realise M. Microman has an election coming and ignore his pontificating (2 Points)
c) Offer the German negotiator the opportunity for tariff free trade on sauerkraut (15 Points)

9. M. Microman’s defence minister M. Le Drain, accuses Australia of stabbing his country in the back, you.....

a) Knee him in the unmentionables at the next major summit (30 Points)
b) Suggest he uses less inflammatory language (5 Points)
c) Accept the accusation and admit cowardice (-10 Points)

10. Two years after the contract with “Sous Marin(e)” was cancelled you take delivery of your first nuclear submarine named HMAS Agincourt, you.....

a) Offer it to M. Microman’s successor as a peace offering (3 Points)
b) Order it to the surface in the English Channel flying a very large Australian flag (15 Points)
c) Are too busy to do anything because you are still trying to negotiate a free trade deal with the EU. (2 Points)


-35 to 69, You have Gallic tendencies, you probably eat a lot of garlic, wear a beret and are likely to surrender at the first sign of fisticuffs. Even seeing a longbow in the distance is likely to bring you out in a cold sweat.

70-174, You are practically un-Australian when it comes to diplomacy and leadership, you may see yourself as a diplomat but Mr Cheese eating surrender monkey sees you as an easy mark, you will be buying London Bridge next or a herd of unicorns from that nice Mr Putin. OK you might try and build stuff locally and have a bit more backbone than the average Gaul, but you are giving far too much away.

175 plus, You are a true blue Aussie leader and diplomat. You will not put up with Johnny Foreigner trying to tell you how to run your country or sell you some dodgy military kit. You tell it like it is and are likely to go to war over a poorly made Latte. You’re not afraid to renege on a terrible deal made by your predecessor and you certainly aren’t going to be friends with the mad woman in New Zealand. You are not afraid to let the world know that French submarines only have reverse gears and always carry a white flag. Australia will be safe in the Anglosphere with you.

Any similarity to current events is purely coincidental.
 

jb747

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As an ex navy person, who in a very distant life chased submarines, it will be very interesting to see how this pans out. My bet is that successive governments will play handball with it. I just hope that they do not play with building it here. Just buy it off the rack. Both the US and the UK have a couple of very impressive offerings.

For what it’s worth, chasing a conventional boat wasn’t all that hard, but nukes were very difficult. They could be very quiet, but they also had enough power and speed to literally outrun sonic nets trying to catch them. And they could go deep…
 

Hvr

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You really should have completed this project when you had the chance :cool::


"Due to overwhelming* demand I am attempting to set up a trip to France to concrete over it.^"
 

dk4

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10. Two years after the contract with “Sous Marin(e)” was cancelled you take delivery of your first nuclear submarine named HMAS Agincourt, you.....
Let's hope it comes that quickly!

The dynamic on the ground(/sea) has changed so fast since the French ones were ordered, and to me the similarities with the build up to WWII are all too familiar; ethnic concentration camps, political prisoners, rejection of diverse lifestyles, single leadership cult, nationalistic fervor, taking neighbouring land/(sea) as their manifest destiny/identity, swiftly building up military hardware.... :(
 

HappyFlyerFamily

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Was hoping to get 233 to match the number of years since the First Fleet and the ratification of the US Constitution, but alas.
 
Last edited:

andye

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Shame that the Trafalgar class is a bit out of date for an off-the-shelf nuclear sub
 
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moa999

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The French reaction is hilarious given they essentially gazumped the Japanese deal, with a promise of a cheap price and 90% Australian construction.

Promises that they quickly retreated from.
 

TheRealTMA

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Wasn't one reason for not going down the nuclear sub path originally that we needed boats for 'shallow' (whatever that means) waters?
Well the only real use for them will be to pop up in Australian harbours during election times. The rest of the time that can be in the repair shop!
 

burmans

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Well the only real use for them will be to pop up in Australian harbours during election times. The rest of the time that can be in the repair shop!
Planning for an election in 2040, that's seems a bit more farsighted than I've ever seen a politician be.
 

TheRealTMA

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Planning for an election in 2040, that's seems a bit more farsighted than I've ever seen a politician be.
Don't worry. These are the best political promises which they never have to deliver. And they can use paper mache models for the campaign. :)

And by 2040 the sea will be transparent and full of drones and skies with satellites making it impossible to hide a large submarines. So no issue.

ref: If the Oceans Become Transparent
 

Spongbob

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We do things "the Australian way":

We don’t know exactly what we are going to do.
We don’t know how to do it.
We don’t know when we will do it.
We don’t know how long it will take.
And we don’t know how much it will cost.
 

PineappleSkip

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Naturally I ignored the advice not to editorialise on the questions and answers. I think 6 (a) would be enhanced if the gift was a cask of Australian champagne. I know you can only put flat drinks in a cask but flat Australian champagne seems an appropriate gesture given the deal was a proposed sale of noisy, expensive subs.

Cheers skip
 

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