A Return to J, QF MEL-LHR-MEL

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The Holiday Inn, Dunstall Park, Wolverhampton

First up an update on the Minox NVD mini night vision device. (I know you are eager to find out more.) Last night I manage to remain awake past 10:30 PM and it actually got dark. Lo and behold the Minox NVD night vision device did exactly what it said it would do on the label. I could see in the dark! Still not quite so sure why I bought it though???? :?:

OK housekeeping sorted, hopefully you are already for the next stage of my shambolic journey?

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It would be easy for me to write lots of cynical, mickey taking drivel about the Holiday Inn Garden Court in Wolverhampton. The list of things that aren’t quite right and the list of improvements required would span at least a page, probably more. On a good day I could probably produce a tome. :shock::shock:

It has, however, a place in my affection. After my home I sleep in this Holiday Inn more times in a year than anywhere else, this year It will be 18 nights.

Dunstall Park is, perhaps, not as attractive as it’s name sounds. (Does the name sound attractive? I always think of a large grassy leafy park.) It is in a not overly pleasant part of Wolverhampton, and the hotel is attached to the grandstand of an all weather horse racing track. It has a lovely 1500 space car park.

I’m not sure what IHG is doing with the Garden Court brand it seems to be disappearing, but you’ll be pleased to know it is alive and well in Wolverhampton.

The lift has more quirks than an episode of Doctor Who. If it is on the ground floor and you press the call button it goes up to the first floor. You then have to press the button again and wait........and wait...and wait....... On a good day you could fit two people and a suitcase into it. Pressing the floor number button, once inside, is really only a basis for negotiation, there is a need for persistence......but ultimately it gets you to your floor. (One of the three available.)

As an IHG platinum member I normally receive an in room free movie, which I never use, and a free daily newspaper. If I’m lucky I’ll get “upgraded” to a room with a view of the winners circle, rather than the car park. Alas this time I didn’t (Yes I can hear you, I know I promised not to be cynical and take the mickey!)

So why do I stay there? For one thing the staff are alway very warm and very welcoming. I’d go as far as to say they are the biggest asset of the hotel. (QF you need to find out how this hotel gets it’s staff in this frame of mind consistently.) They know they are not on the front desk of The Ritz and don’t pretend to be. It does feel homely and not just another chain hotel. The rooms are quite small and basic, no air-conditioning and no fridge, but I rarely take advantage of hotel room amenities. I just want somewhere to sleep, room service of some kind, and a TV. The latter is a flat screen and has the full digital free to air service. There is a great selection of channels and I can always find something to watch.

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I’ve been drawn into the ICH loyalty program, and whilst many members here have commented how easy it is to earn points, and it really is, it is also quite easy to use points. As a rule of thumb if I stay for three or four nights at a HI I basically earn one night “free”. This is done through registering for every promotion going. Lots of good info on this here.

The hotel is about 10-15 minutes away from where I need to be for work so it is convenient. (There are closer hotels though!)

The restaurant is average, even breakfast feels a bit like a chore. It is 100% serve yourself, even tea and coffee. (I can hear you all saying what is the problem you could do with the exercise?:p:p) That said the chef is always friendly and helpful. I usually order room service at least one night, and it is invariably the “Mucho Nachos”, nachos with chili con carne, cheese and dipping sauces. It is alright, what can I say, I prefer simple food.

Overall the hotel is a bit like me. It is a bit worn around the edges, has a few quirks, and is nothing fancy. I like to think of it having a sense of humour too, why else would it make those funny noises when you flush the toilet. It doesn’t try to be something it is not, and the staff just want to make you feel at home. Sometimes there are things way more important in life than swish rooms and extensive menus. It is like putting on a pair of your favourite slippers!

My affection for this hotel is a little bit like my affection for QF, I can bash it and criticise it but woe betide the “outsider” that has a go at it! :shock::shock:

I already have forward bookings for October, December, and February, so it can’t be that bad. I just feel at home there. :)

The delights of Wolverhampton next......
:shock:
 
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The Resort City of Wolverhampton

When Milton sat down with his Bic Biro, Paradise Lost in mind, and penned the words......

As far remov'd from God and light of Heav'n

As from the Center thrice to th' utmost Pole

......I'd like to think that he had a vision of Wolverhampton as it is now. Certainly a greater vision than the Wolverhampton Council had when it came up with the motto of "Out of Darkness Cometh Light". :shock:

Poor Wolverhampton, god bless it, it has had so little going for it over a long history. It is the heart of the “Black Country”. Historians still argue over the origins of the name “Black Country”, some say it is because of the outcrops of coal giving a black appearance, others argue that it is derived from the grime/soot/pollution caused by the industrial revolution. Whatever it really is there is nothing pretty about Wolverhampton
.

History has dealt some cruel blows to Wolverhampton, not least bestowing the, I suspect unwanted first, of being the first town in Britain to have automatic traffic lights. Not wishing to lag behind other towns and cities in the heaping of misery on drivers the council has installed an interminable number of traffic "safety" cameras.

Road "Safety" Camera No. 731
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During my week long stay I am allocated an office to work from. What do you see from your office window?
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The Ring Road
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I wish I could say that I am exaggerating the "beauty" of Wolverhampton.....in fact in a way I am, I'm not sure I can find the words to describe it's ugliness.

My one regret is that I have never visited The Black Country Living Museum, I do concede that this would be quite interesting. It is in Dudley on the Birmingham New Road about 3 or 4 KM from Wolverhampton.

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Perhaps one of the highlights of Wolverhampton is Molyneux - the home of Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club. This however is the home of the anti christ for me......I'm a lifelong West Bromwich Albion FC supporter - arch rivals of "The Wolves".

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The photo shows the statue of Billy Wright, the former England Captain. I hold him responsible for the whole celebrity footballer malarkey of today. He married one of The Beverley Sisters, one of the first footballer/"pop" star marriages!

The trip is drawing to an end, but we still have the delights of The Crowne Plaza in Marlow and the flight from LHR to MEL....


 
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The Crowne Plaza - Marlow

Officially I’m on the homeward journey, work is behind me and a two hour journey, along my favourite motorway - The M40, puts me in Marlow.

The M40 has always been kind to me. When it opened it removed my dependence upon the M1 and gave me a direct route, from London, to the the West Midlands without the road works.

Was my week successful....well yes and no. I did just enough to get one of the more arduous tasks I have had this year passed to someone else, but on the down side my boss’s boss found something for me to do. I need to find a neutral outcome to that one so that in future he doesn’t want me to do anything else, but also doesn’t think I’m an indolent buffoon. This will take some doing! :shock:

My arrival at the Crowne Plaza in Marlow follows the script. An upgrade to an Executive Club room with access to the Club Lounge and a free buffet breakfast in the main restaurant. Very nice!

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I’m there by 5:00 PM and have no plans for the evening. I get to spend an evening with my favourite person....me, and get to do what I love......nothing.

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Chilli Con Carne followed by cheese and biscuits and all washed down with a bottle of Argentinian Malbec.

The Crowne Plaza in Marlow is almost perfect for me. If it had more digital TV channels it would indeed be perfect. The beds are sooooo comfortable, it is located a mere 25 minutes from Heathrow, and is inexpensive. I particularly enjoy the buffet breakfast, well usually I enjoy it.

I was awoken, by the theme from Spike Milligan’s Q9 on my Blackberry torch, at 6:45 AM. (For the ladies here on AFF could anybody explain to me what is so difficult about a remote control where you press one button and everything starts up on the right channel, at the right volume etc etc. It is only one button!) Thirty five minutes later there did not seem much point in trying to explain what to do with the TV remote as MrsH was no longer speaking to me. :?:

The morning was already a disaster. I like to get to breakfast early. Breakfast in a posh hotel on a weekend should be something to enjoy at a leisurely pace with a newspaper and several cups of strong tea. I was now going to be late, by my standards, anyway.

As I made my way through the lobby I noticed a very large coach, of the vehicular kind, with lots of old people milling around it. I smiled to myself, I had missed the coffin dodgers at breakfast. They were on their way out. Yay!

My stride became more purposeful as I rounded the last corner on the way to the restaurant, and then it hit me. The noise! Had I made a wrong turn and found myself in a retirement home? It got worse, they were clearly from The North.

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I was escorted to my table by a clearly flustered waiter, he was being summoned from all directions. The oxygen thiefs were struggling with the whole buffet principle. I know I complained about the Holiday Inn, Dunstall Park, buffet, but at least at the Crowne Plaza the tea was delivered to the table. The smell of burning toast made me think Misha had returned. The noise and the smell of mothballs reduced my breakfast to a rapid unsatisfactory affair.

I’d already spent 15 hours in my room, I just wanted a few minutes peace and quiet with my newspaper somewhere else......The Club Room. Yes, perfect....and so it was. Nobody to be seen. I prepared myself a strong cup of tea and settled in to a peaceful 30 minutes of nirvana. (No.....not the rock band!) Not a wrinkly anywhere about.

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I returned to my room and settled into the Cricket Show on SKY 1 Sports, all in preparation for the decider in the England v Sri Lanka one day series. Having sorted myself out with a 1 PM check out I relaxed once again and enjoyed the cricket.

I already had a plan lined up following my check out. A present for MrsH was the order of the day...assuming she hadn’t changed the locks by the time I got back. The Eden Shopping Centre in High Wycombe looked the place to go. I could also grab a new business shirt from Marks & Spencer for myself.

What is the point of young people? You know what I mean, they hang around shopping centres with the crotch of their jeans below their knees if they are male, or plastered in make up if they are female. Their sole form of communications seems to be a series of grunts. Sullen, monosyllabic, and apparently poorly educated are their better traits.

What a day! Breakfast ruined by wizened crones and shopping ruined by young people. You can’t walk around the Eden Centre without tripping over these youths. (Assuming you can find a parking space in the first place!)

I cut my shopping trip short in an attempt to find some peace and quiet and headed to LHR some 6 hours before departure. I had managed to find MrsH something suitably expensive but even that exercise became a nightmare as the box this delight was in was as big as a family car!! Now I had to repack. What Joy!

LHR T3 and the BA/QF F Lounge next..........
 
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Great writing style.I totally agree how we all seem to attract the people who just annoy us.For me it is-
1.Young women with prams.They aim straight at me.Now if I see one even 200 metres off I stand transfixed like a rabbit in the crosshairs.
2.Anyone with a backpack.Please be careful when you turn around.
3.Old ladies on their walking frames.Can successfully block anyone's way.
 
The Living Hell that is LHR

Everybody should be forced to make at least one trip through LHR in their lifetime, particularly Australians, quite frankly you (we) don't realise how lucky you (we) are with your (our) airports. ;)

If you are flying QF, or for that matter BA to Australia your journey will start at LHR Terminal 3. Or in my case at the AVIS rental drop off which is a good 10 minute bus journey from T3....traffic permitting.

My early termination of the Wycombe shopping expedition left me with a fair bit of time to kill. I arrived at the AVIS depot at 3:15 PM. My flight was leaving at 9:30 PM. It was a gamble, because, it was unlikely that the QF F check in desk would be open, but by this time I just wanted to somewhere to sit and listen the to cricket.

As usual T3 was a complete mess. Hundreds of folk queuing up for VAT refunds, "lost" passengers wandering aimlessly around with stacks of bags. It amazes me how anyone flying economy ever manages to catch a flight there. :shock:

The refuge of the WP is right at the end of the terminal where the Oneworld F and J check ins are located. QF and BA share a very nice little area for F check in which is a bit of an oasis in a dessert of chavs. The QF desk was unmanned! I wandered over to to BA desk where the check in agenet had his head buried in a book or newspaper. He didn't look up. I made some manly throaty time noises, he still didn't look up, I resorted to speaking! "Excuse me" I said, he looked up and said "yes".

"Are you able to check me in to a QF flight, I have no luggage, I just need the boarding card."

"No, QF will be here about 4:30."

"Thank you" I said.

I wondered if he was on strike, he certainly did no work for the next hour at least. :shock:

At this point I need to tell you about a little problem I have as a dual national. When I fill in the details for my outward flight, to the UK, I include my British passport details, and these of course conflict with the details I enter for my return journey. (Australian Passport) This leaves me unable to print my boarding card.

It was 3:30 PM, the cricket was on the radio. (If you haven't got the Tunein Radio app for iPhone and iPad, it is really worth it. You can get just about every radio station there is!!) I settled into a nice little corner of the F check in area and recharged my iPhone/iPad etc etc.

A very pleasant young lady appeared at 4:35 PM and within minutes I had my boarding card and headed for security.

You really don't want to be going through anything other than priority security. The rest is nothing more than a jungle. The queues stretch on and on and on. It doesn't seem to matter what time you get there.

Passport control is a breeze, I always feel that the immigration officers take the view that the quicker they can get folk out the sooner any problems are passed on to other countries.

I'm not sure why the US came up with Guantanamo Bay, it would have been far cheaper just rounding all of the potential terrorists up and trapping them in the duty free area of T3, but denying them lounge access. I suspect few would have been able to deal with this cramped space full of perfume sales people.

Than God for the BA/QF lounge. Whilst the F lounge does not compare well to SYD or MEL it is not bad. It is positively luxurious when you consider what is on the outside of it's walls.

I like to settle down in the min sofas in the section near the restaurant. There are power sockets, windows for proper light, it is near the food, and the red win is close to hand. Unfortunately three other chaps had beaten me to it. Yikes I thought, or some other such word.

I finished up at the opposite end, in the main bar section, with a window mini sofa so all was not lost.

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There had been a couple of changes since my last visit, back in April. Firstly it appears that QF has taken control of the internet provider selection. Whilst not absolutely rubbish speeds were significantly reduced. Interestingly Virgin Media seemed to be the provider!!!

The biggest change was on the whisky front. No single malts! JW Blue Label was now the scotch/lighter fluid on offer. :shock:

Fortunately the lounge had a very cheeky Malbec on offer, and with a good four hours in the lounge I set about improving the BA wine stock turns. (hic)

I did take time to look out of the window and see the big metal cylinder, without the hump, that was to take me on my journey home.

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The chicken curry was quite nice, as were the cheese and biscuits.

Time flew by and within no time I could see QF10 was boarding.......
 
The Flight Home - QF10

I'm not sure I like the idea of priority boarding for premium economy. It is getting close to the stage where between a quarter and a third of passengers on an A380 have priority boarding. It was a pain even getting through the passport check, with 20 people ahead of me in the queue, and I left the lounge early. :shock: I don't like queueing, way too much contact with humankind, conversely I like to get on the plane early so I can get cases stowed, gadgets prepared and generally settled in. Just one of the many conundrums (First World Problems) the frequent flyer faces.

No surprises as I boarded, turning left is always better than right, but other than that it was routine. Bags up in the overhead, iPad in the magazine storage at the side of the seat. (I handed the duty free mag in to the first available FA to avoid any unnecessary purchases!) Jacket hung and breakfast card filled in, I settled into my seat and read the latest on Murdoch and the News of The World saga.

My attention was diverted by the arrival of a couple in the window and aisle seats near me. What is that I saw.........a black tag! Ye gods a CL! Only my second tag sighting ever. The couple received a significant amount of attention from the FA's not least being offered food and wine from F. I wondered if CL's felt threatened by the pending Platinum One status. Much has been discussed here about impact on WP's but isn't it more likely that WP1's will get some of the attention reserved for CL's? :?:

Once the seatbelt sign went off I began my, by now, well practiced IFE setup. iPad over the screen, Bose headphones, and iPod in the storage by my side.

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After helping the CL to get his IFE screen out, I watched the new Torchwood episode on my iPad and then dozed off to sleep. I skipped dinner and the drinks service was non existing. :shock:

It was eight hours later when I finally found myself wide awake. It was not a satisfying sleep though, I tossed and turned and couldn't really settle.

With three hours left before landing I watched some more TV on the iPad. Breakfast was served about two hours before landing and I have to say it was the best inflight breakfastI have ever had. Eggs, Bacon, Sausage, Tomato and a muffin, toast and Vegemite.

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Apart from a short delay, due to storms in Singapore the LHR-SIN leg was uneventful, and time actually passed reasonably quickly.

The Sin F lounge was, again, reasonably quiet. With only BA10 LHR-SYD ahead of QF10 it was nice to be able to grab my regular spot at the back of the lounge and begin the gadget recharging process. It dawned upon me that I had not had an alcoholic drink since the F lounge in Heathrow. Did this make me teetotal? I decided to maintain my sobriety by only having a couple of gin and tonics. :p I settled in to write up my LHR report.

Strangely I don't mind the extra hour in Singapore despite my dislike of air travel and desire to get home asap I don't like the rushing about that sometimes happens at SIN when you only get a couple of hours between landing and departure.

No priority access to security for the SIN-MEL leg.:-| That was made up for by the priority boarding. I pretty much walked straight on to the plane and my precious seat 12E.

OMG - children. I was going to spend the next 7 hours sitting next to a male child who looked about 5 or 6 years old. He was in F, his mother in J and younger sister in K. Things took a turn for the worse when the mother had to leave the plane to go a pick duty free up at the gate. The male FA told the mother he would keep an eye on the kids whilst she picked the duty free up. Translated that pretty much meant I would have to be a child minder. :shock:

To be fair the children behaved immaculately, the little boy was particularly excited by the skycam view on the IFE, whilst the little girl was eager to tell all and sundry she was going to "Melbourne Australia". It was a very good example why parents who teach their children decent behaviour should be able to take them into J or F. The male FA was also very good with the kids.

Now where did the CL go? The couple, he and his wife were traveling with were still in Emerald City. I noticed that the FA's brought them a pre flight drink...not the usual champagne, orange juice or water either. "mmmmmm" I thought.

Breakfast menu filled in, I scanned the light dinner menu, and then settled back to read the Sydney Morning Herald's take on the closure of the News of The World.

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Once again no pre dinner drinks. :?: Is this a new thing in J?

The CL appeared through the curtains at the front of J. He must have come up the stairs. "mmmm" I thought, again, he must have been downgraded to Y!! :p I wondered again if QF would introduce benefits for WP1 that would impinge a little on CL benefits. At the same time it also crossed my mind that QF should really be stripping CL status from politicians. Heaven forbid our politicians might be accused of not being able to act dispassionately on any issues relating to air travel because of the "free benefits" they were receiving from airlines.

The lamb pie looked the least distasteful option on the menu and dinner was duly served about an hour into the flight......if you were sitting at the front of J. If you were sitting at the rear of J it was more like 2 and a half hours, thanks to some pretty annoying turbulence that had the meal service suspended.

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The red wine was Wirra Wirra RSW Shiraz 2008 and was very nice. The need to drive on arrival prevented me from fully appreciating it.

I failed to get any sleep on this flight, I just wasn't tired. I settled for watching "The Shadow Line" a particularly good BBC drama series about the criminal underworld and drugs distribution. It was almost in the Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy mode.

Breakfast was a simple affair, continental style in fact. Fruit and yoghurt, toast and honey, OJ and Tea.

A bit of faffing when we neared MEL, the runway was yet to open, but we managed to land without a fly by and reached the terminal at 06:10.

Let the charge begin! First up hit the automated passport readers before the duty free area. This avoids any queues at the ones in the immigration hall. It never ceases to amaze me how few people use the ones prior to the duty free area.

Then pick up my pre ordered duty free. This always takes longer than it should. It can't be that hard. First Duty really do need to get their act together and get two people handling the pre ordered stuff.

Horror of Horrors a bogun flight from Bali had arrived at the same time. The baggage hall was already beginning to fill up with people in brightly coloured shorts, singlets, and thongs! The dash to customs was looking more and more like an assault course. The straw hats, wooden nick nacks, and vile children. :shock:

I saw an opening in the exit line and took my chance, a bead of perspiration formed as I slid into the gradually building column of boguns. My sigh was audible as the customs officer took my paperwork and pointed me towards the exit.

It was 6:27 AM and I was standing outside of the terminal! Ten minutes later I was in my car and on my way home.

The trip was, for all intents and purposes over, as is this trip report.

Thank you for staying with this month long ramble, and thanks to those who posted the nice comments. I found the whole exercise a lot harder than I thought I would. I had hoped to give an insight into the life of the reluctant, but frequent traveller. If you enjoyed this TR I'll be appearing at a QF J lounge of Pub near you, if you didn't this report was written by someone else. :p




 
Cheers for the report and thanks ... reminds me, I must finish my 2006 trip report which is still stuck in Dubai ... :oops:
 
Tony,

A wonderful TR, I truly felt like I was along for the ride.

ejb
 
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Well done.Very entertaining.
Now to visit Dunstall Park!:D
 
A great read. Pics were good as well. Great writing style, really put a smile on face with some of the descriptions. Thanks for writing it up.
 
Thanks Tony. A very entertaining read. I love your bogan induced nervousness and relate completely. Well done!
 
The Epilogue

I suppose I should have started my trip report with a prologue rather than a preamble, but it's too late now. Like "The Streets of San Francisco" I thought my TR deserved an epilogue. I have had time to reflect on my, less than, epic journey and have all but recovered from the jet lag. (Compounded by dental surgery that, with hindsight, should have been conducted under general anesthetic. :shock: I'll try not to drool over this post.)

Many, mmmm perhaps an overestimation, at least one person will be delighted to know that I have been able to take a photograph through the viewfinder of of my Minox mini NVD. :p

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Good isn't it?!!

The Serious Bit

So another trip to the UK completed, my fourth this year, and my first in paid J. This report could pretty much cover any of the other trips, certainly on the ground in the UK. Flights are a little different. (One full trip in Y, one full trip in Y+ on BA, and one Y+ trip on QF with a points upgrade to J one way.) I have managed to get the "full" in flight experience. (There is also a Y+ trip to the US with a one way J points upgrade to consider too.)

The upgrade to F on this trip (MEL-SIN) was a revelation, it put J on the 380 to shame, and QF J on the 380 is pretty good. I had flown F on the 747 and it was good but the suites on the 380 are very comfortable and private. The electric window shades occupied me for hours. In October I have the whole of LHR-MEL in F so for once I am actually looking forward to a flight. (The MEL-LHR is in a 747 and I'll be in 16K for those 23D/F lovers :p)

I decided to attempt a trip report for a number of reasons. Probably first up on this list was to give credit to the folk here on AFF. I am not an inexperienced traveler, but have picked up plenty of tips and tricks from AFF in the time I have been here. I have referenced and linked, through my TR, just some of the many threads that have been helpful to me on this trip.

Secondly I have enjoyed immensely the trip reports by the, as I call them, "proper" TR writers. I love the photographs of far flung places and the detail about the journey. I can't hope to compete with wonderful reports I read every day here. Even in my half baked affair it took quite a bit of effort to take the photos and record the moment, so the effort that has gone in to the varied and detailed reports on AFF is worthy of much praise. It would be good to see even more folk have a stab at a report. It is amazing how many tips you can pick up from a TR.

Thirdly, this trip saw me passing a couple of QF milestones. PG, for the first time since the GFC (How I loathe investment bankers), and on the way back LTG. :cool: (Norris Carter [He sounds like a character from a British soap opera!] still hasn't written to me yet though. (I do wonder why QF don't make a little more out of LTG. It would have been nice to receive a "thank you for your custom" email. It seems that QF misses a lot of opportunities to help itself by not making a few, almost cost free, gestures to let FF's feel valued.

So what next? I'd like to say that I am taking a step back to evaluate my travel plans for my new FF year. (I'm still a little unhappy with QF) Unfortunately my world moves a bit too quick for that. My major travel is already booked through to June 2012. :shock: Five returns to the UK!! :-|

I next get on a plane in August with Sao Paulo awaiting me. If I can avoid being mugged and kidnapped I may even have another stab at a TR. I'm sure you all want to hear about F lounge chips again.;)

Thanks to all of you who stuck with this report I hope you got a little enjoyment out of it, and perhaps even a few useful hints. (Does anyone know if DYKWIA is still available as a rego in VIC?:p)

....and Misha if you are out there reading this......please come back!
 
Your TR is up there with the best-a little bit of eightblack i would wager.
A very enjoyable read.
will try for F on the A380 if only to play with the window shades.:D
 
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