A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

 

[Foreigner]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!

 

[Ikara]

Judy called the police.

"My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window.

"See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head."

Judy, "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand on that!"

True story..............

Duty Petty Officer at the gates of HMAS Kuttabul (Potts Point). Get a phone call complaining that she can see naked sailors in the shower. Turn up and had to stand on the toilet seat to see the block, let alone the shower!!!

Oh dear......

JB

 

[Foreigner]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small cough.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a big stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he said. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

​

 

[anat0l]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small cough.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a big stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he said. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

​

I hope that doesn't quite explain why many AFFers love those pancake machines in the lounge. :mrgreen:

 

[amaroo]

Check out this guy - this drummer is at the wrong gig - YouTube

 

[samh004]

A friend sent me this.

 

[Major]

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable
Too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though.
Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

 

[Foreigner]

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them.

Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."

The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"

 

[Foreigner]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Harris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

 

[Foreigner]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the Kitchen, "Careful... Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

"Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

"They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving"

 

[Foreigner]

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked.

"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

[Major]

Such an unfair world:-

When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

 

[Major]

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.

Bound to end in tears though; she's cough at snooker.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. dammit! I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

Son:"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future".
"Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s#it".

 

[codash1099]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"

 

[codash1099]

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's
Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to
the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman
asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations,
he was handed a memorandum which read as follows;

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a
large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the
use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded
up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use
trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has
already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish
his symphony.

 

[codash1099]

Disclaimer: No offence towards Peruvians intended.
Do not try this while riding a bicycle.
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to
display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll discover you have STRONG
VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll
argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting
furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians
are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are
underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be
better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average
Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is
$1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 above the mean gross poverty level."


NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too.
Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same
tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my
bath house."

* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
Well, any-who

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.,"
and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:

"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have
enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let
me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua
Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they
do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an coughnal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has
the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says: "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say: "You're begging the question."

OR

You say: "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says: "Liberia is in Africa."
You say: "You're being defensive."

* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do
remind me of Adolf Hitler."

You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on
people who generally carry weapons.

 

[QF WP]

A funny at our Conference. We have Deborah Hutton as MC.

One of our presenters is short, so Deborah made the perfect move at the end of the session by leaning on his shoulder (as she is taller). He also is follicly challenged so he grabbed some of her hair and laid it over his balding head.

As an aside, I'd love to ask her about her spray against JQ and her loss of that contract, because she conveniently forgot to mention it in her work history - yet mentioned other contract before and after it.

On the serious side, now listening to Andrew Demitriou regarding the AFL changing landscape