A bit of humour

[NM]

Of course, if you're laughing like a maniac at this, you're probably showing your age.

 

[medhead]

Must be. I read through it - witty, but not hysterical. Probably works better with appropriate tone.

Of course, if you're laughing like a maniac at this, you're probably showing your age.

Just wait-it will seem funnier in 50 years.

It's probably not that funny because it just reminds me of what awaits. :shock:

 

[Dee Thom]

Two blonds walk into a building -- you'd think one of them would see it !

________________________________________________________

A Cessna 175 has crashed into a graveyard in Ireland - rescue workers have uncovered 1816 bodies so far, and expect the number to rise by the morning .........

Cheers Dee

 

[Maca44]

I was walking through Leavenworth WA yesterday and saw this on a T shirt in one of the tourist shops. I thought it was funny anyway.

"You look like I need another drink"

 

[codash1099]

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

 

[Siegfried]

Continuing in the same vein..


A polar bear walks into a bar, and says to the bartender "I'll have a gin ........................................................... and tonic."

The bartender says "Sure thing, but why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies "Dunno. I was born with them."

 

[samh004]

The polar bear replies "Dunno. I was born with them."

:mrgreen:

 

[QF WP]

Watch until the end....Good laugh: Buffet dining

 

[samh004]

Watch until the end....Good laugh: Buffet dining

I liked the first part about the Chinese food, and his time in Las Vegas, but the Japanese bit and the Indian bit didn’t do it for me.

 

[anat0l]

Watch until the end....Good laugh: Buffet dining

A wee bit touchy on the races but a good stand-up. Pre-warning to Asians: if you can't laugh at yourself, do not open.

"Spicy is a relative term..." :mrgreen:

 

[straitman]

Qantas, service as ever....brilliant!!!!

[FONT=&quot]Qantas, service as ever.[/FONT]​

WALKING THE DOG

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane .
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydneyalong the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who wasblind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...

​

​

.....THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

Life's too short for stuffing mushrooms.

 

[Flashback]

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently Prophets are going through the roof...

 

[codash1099]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

 

[straitman]

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his shiny new BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!

 

[anat0l]

Men only past this point.

A couple of jokes tweeted by Twitter user GiggleFlower.

Please note, men, especially married men - retell these jokes at your own risk.


What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party.

Why is it called PMS? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

 

[pn01]

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!

 

[somebol]

Two pilots got to talking on a transatlantic flight. The captain was Jewish, and the co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't care for each other.

After thirty minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese."

The co-pilot replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"

The pilot said, "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The co-pilot said, "Nooooo, noooo .... Chinese no bomb Pearl Harbah. JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbah."

The pilot answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter. You're all the same."

Another thirty minutes of silence ensued. Finally, the co-pilot said, "I no like Jew."

The pilot replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

The pilot tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg... no mattah... all same.

 

[somebol]

Elephant Jokes

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.

Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)

Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?
A: Squash

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

Q: The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A: The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.

Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.

Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.

Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.

Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not. Must work then

Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 8kph.

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

 

[somebol]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back: as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're coughping in the bed!"

 

[somebol]

bit old but...

Warning:Virus.
If you get an email saying Nude Photos of Sarah Palin in it.
DO NOT open it. It may contain a virus.

And if you get an email saying Nude Photos of Julia Gillard
DO NOT OPEN as may contain Nude photos of Julia Gillard.