A bit of humour

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.

"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."
 
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
 
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In Communist Russia, a man goes to a dealer to buy a new car.

After selecting a car from the catalogue, the dealer informs him that his car will be delivered in five years.

"Will it be delivered in the morning or the afternoon?" asks the man.

"Why does it matter if it's in the morning or the afternoon," replies the dealer, "it is five years from now!"

"Well," replies the man, "the plumber will be coming in the morning."
 
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,

“I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get you your coffee, sir?"
 
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly....

Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.


Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer


Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you


Good: Your son spends a lot of time in his room
Bad: You find several cough movies hidden there
Ugly: Your're in them


Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter took them


Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you


Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
 
‘Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
‘So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
‘The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." – "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t.”’
 
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear."
The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms."
The third nurse fainted.
 
The other day I went over to our nearby pharmac_. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes ! Could you please taste this for me ?"

Being a senior citizen… I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you ?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “Hell No !!"

So I said, "Oh thank God ! That's a real relief ! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar !”

Well, I can never go back to that pharmac_, but I really don't care though, because they just aren't very friendly there anyway.

 
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A little boy walked into a brothel with a $100 bill and a dead cat in a box. He goes to the madam and asks for the prostitute with the most venereal diseases. The madam is surprised but is not prepared to turn down a $100 dollars, so gives the boy her most diseased girl.

After the boy has finished getting his leg over, the madam asks why he wanted the girl with all those venereal diseases.

The boy answered:
When I get home, my parents will arrange the usual babysitter while they go out eating, drinking and seeing a movie, While they are out I'll screw the baby sitter.

When my parents get home, my dad will offer to drive the baby sitter home and, as usual he will screw her in the back of the car.

Then tonight, my parents will have it off too, and tomorrow, after my dad has left for work, my mom will screw the mailman.........................................................................

And that's the son of a cough that ran over the cat in this box !!!!!
 
Here's one for the golfies:



Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees!"
 
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!”

I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more…”

So I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said…

“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.

Both tests came out positive!”
 
For my brother-in-law::

There was a new member at our local golf club, John. To welcome him to our club, we invited him to join us for a round of golf every Sunday morning. We said we teed off at 8.00am and John replied that he'd love to join us, but he might be 10 minutes late.

On the first Sunday morning John was there at exactly 8:00. He played golf right-handed and won the round.

Next Sunday around, John says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, plays left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with John always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round, either left or right handed.

We're starting to get a little jack of this and I decided to ask him what 's going on. ''John, every Sunday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and play either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''

John replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Sunday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I play left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I play the round right handed.''

''Aah ha!" I exclaimed. ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
John replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''
 
From a Florida newspaper, dating ads for seniors:

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

----------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

----------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

----------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.

----------------------------------------------------

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
 
Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.
“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.

Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7.”
 
A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, Now, where are your gloves?”
 

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