A bit of humour

[frankieholt]

I don't think he was dumb or something, he used the formula for nomenclature

 

[Ikara]

Problem Solvered!!!!!

Rolls Royce have got the problem licked!

JB

 

[anat0l]

Problem Solvered!!!!!

Rolls Royce have got the problem licked!

They have a new class of ETOPS now?

I'd like to see "the world's quietest aircraft" now...

 

[drron]

Some sage Advice from Tasmania-
Life should not be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well preserved body
but rather to skid in sideways
Glass of wine in one hand
chocolate in the other
body thoroughly used up
totally worn out and exhausted
screamig WOO HOO what a ride!



And for those obsessing about diet-
1.Japanese eat very little fat
and have less heart attacks than us.
2.Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and have less heart attacks than us.
3.Chinese drink very little red wine
and have less heart attacks than us.
4.Italians drink a lot of red wine
and have less heart attacks than us.
5.Germans drink lots of beer and eat lots of sausages
and have less heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION-
Eat and drink what you like,
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[codash1099]

They have a new class of ETOPS now?

I'd like to see "the world's quietest aircraft" now...

It's quiet. More than half the engines have to be shut down.

 

[NM]

It's quiet. More than half the engines have to be shut down.

Still only 4 operational engines. Just using the 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th etc pods for carrying the spare engines for the aircraft stuck in other locations.

 

[straitman]

The blonde joke to end all blonde jokes

...... and back to the jokes :!:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop.'

 

[codash1099]

Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.​

Guess I won that stupid argument!

(I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. [Dolly Parton] )


​

 

[drron]

"LORD... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER" ...

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children.​

Ted died.​

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.​

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.​

Judy remarried again,​

,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.​

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.​

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.​

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,​

"Lord, they are finally together."​

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:​

​

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"​

Margaret replied:....​

"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."​

 

[QF WP]

For people who do not understand the Eire bailout and how politics work…..


Bailout Package
It is a slow day in a damp town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

 

[QF WP]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

 

[Fantic125]

This was in The China Post yesterday;



(Non Sequitur, copyright Wiley Ink, Inc.)

 

[Bundy Bear]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to
turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had
the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from
blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to
her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

 

[Bundy Bear]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!​

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.​

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.​

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"​

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"​

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.​

Now GET OUT and don't come back."​

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"​

From across the room a voice said,
​

​

​

​

​

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."​

 

[bossreggie]

A Blokes wife had been missing for 2 weeks when he was visited by the Detective in charge of the case. The Detective told him he should expect the worst.

The moment the Detective left... The husband went down to the Salvos to see if he could get his wife's clothes back.

 

[QF WP]

I wonder if he paid for getting them back

 

[codash1099]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again,the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the car in the bloody garage this time?"

 

[jsd]

One spelling mistake can destroy your life...

A Husband sent this to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her"

 

[codash1099]

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, " Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Anglican, and 32 Methodist.

 

[codash1099]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Seniors' Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you!

SENIOR TEXTING CODE

AFT: Another Funeral Today

ATD: At the Doctor's

B2N: Bingo Tonight?

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CTUF2T: Can't Twitter You, Fingers Too tight.

CUATSC: See You At the Senior Centre

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

G2GEBS: Got To Go. Early Bird Special

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

GOML: Get Off My Lawn

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

IITDH: I'm In The Doughnut Hole

IYHO: Is Your Hearing-Aid On?

JK: Just Kvetching

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor

MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget

N2PUSD: Need To Pick Up Some Depends.

NCBM: Not Covered By Medicare

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

OMGC: Oy, My Grandchildren!

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

PIMP: Peeing In My Pants (from laughter)

ROFLCGU: Rolling on the Floor Laughing; Can't Get Up

RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

SUK: Speak Up, Kid

TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (P. M. Early Bird Special)

TTML: Talk to Me Louder

TTYL: Talk to You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age

WTFA: Wet the Furniture Again

WTFU ITTY: Wake the "F" Up, I'm Talking to You

WTP: Where's the Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil