A bit of humour

Ansett

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While enjoying their evening coughtails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice,

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, I haven’t," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh...no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and seductively reached into her panties..... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, "God, No!," desperately trying to contain his excitement.

She said, "Check the garage."
 

codash1099

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Some of Life's more important maxims!

WITZENBURG’S LAW OF AIRPLANE TRAVEL

The distance between the ticket counter and your plane is directly proportional to the weight of luggage you are carrying and inversely proportional to the time before take-off.

FIRST LAW OF AIR TRAVEL

Serving coffee in aircraft causes air turbulence

DIOGENES’S FIRST DICTUM

The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power he has to escape being taxed.

DUGGAN’S LAW

For every PhD there is an equal and opposite PhD

PARKINSON’S LAW

It is a commonplace observation that work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

PARKINSON’S SECOND LAW

Expenditure expands to meet income.

PETER PRINCIPLE

Everyone rises to the level of their incompetence.

PETER’S SECOND COROLLARY

All work is accomplished by those employees that have not reached their level of incompetence.

MURPHY’S LAW

1. If anything can go wrong, it will

2. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems

3. Everything takes longer than you expect.

4. Left to themselves, things usually go from bad to worse

GOULD’S AXIOM

In any stock market situation, the public is generally wrong.

LUTEN’S LAW OF HOLIDAYS

When properly managed, holidays do not adversely affect productivity, because for every week you are away doing nothing, the boss also goes away, and you get twice as much done.

SMITH’S PRINCIPLES OF BUREAUCRATIC SUCCESS

1. Never use one word when a dozen will confuse

2. If it can be understood, it’s not finished

3. Never do anything for the first time

SHANAHAN’S LAW

The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people involved.

BROWN’S IRON LAW OF PROMOTION

The amount of publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the product.

GREEN’S MAXIM FOR HIGHER EXECUTIVES

Being at the top is like being a football coach – you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.

LOWREY’S LAW OF PROFICIENCY

Just when you get good at something – they no longer want you to do it.

JONE’S CREDIT PRINCIPLE

Machines should work – people should think.

HALE’S RULE

The sumptuousness of the company’s annual report is in inverse ratio to that years profit result.

GROSS’S LAW

When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person’s money – fraud will result.

DENNIS’S MANAGEMENT PRINCIPLE

1. To get action by management it is essential to create the illusion of a crisis.

2. Real crises are those that the management ignores.

3. In any crisis, management over reacts.

4. The squeaky hinge gets the oil.

CZECINSKI’S OBSERVATION

There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking up to find that you are, and that is the conference where you can’t even fall asleep.

WOTHERSPOON’S RULES OF COMMITTEES

1. Never arrive on time – this stamps you as a beginner

2. Don’t do anything until the meeting is half over – this stamps you as wise

3. Be as vague as possible – this way you offend nobody and cannot be blamed when things go wrong.

4. If asked your opinion, suggest a sub-committee be appointed or a report commissioned.

5. Always be first to move for an adjournment and a vote of thanks to the chairman – this way you will avoid further trouble and get an early drink, in return for which everyone will think you’re a good fellow.

CHEOP’S LAW

Nothing ever gets finished on time or within budget.

WISEMAN’S LAW OF BANK BALANCES

The bank’s balance will always be less than yours.

BUCY’S LAW

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

BUCHWALD’S LAW

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

IRN’S LAW

The opportunity for bribery equals the plethora of legal requirements multiplied by the number of architects, builders and planners involved.

BRANCH’S LAW

In a time of grave concern, the bureaucracy will multiply even faster than it normally does.

BOREN’S PRINCIPLES OF BUREAUCRACY

1. When in doubt – mumble

2. When in trouble – delegate

3. When in charge – ponder

ACHESON’S RULE OF MEMOS

A memo is written not to inform, but to protect the sender.

UBELL’S LAW OF PRESS LUNCHEONS

At any PR lunch – the quality of the food is inversely proportional to the quality of the product.

COLIN’S LAW OF RESTAURANT ACOUSTICS

The decibel level of the conversation at the next table is inversely proportional to the quality of the thoughts.

O’DOYLE’S MAXIM

No matter how many executives share a cab – all of them will claim it on their expenses.

BUTLER’S LAW

All human progress is based on an innate desire by all organisms to live beyond their income.

FIRST RULE OF PUBLIC SPEAKING

Nice guys finish fast
 

Ikara

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You forgot The Plan...................

The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan

And then came the Assumptions

And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was completely without substance

And there was darkness on the face of the workers

And they spoke among themselves, saying

“It’s a crock of cough and it stinketh”

And the workers went to their Supervisors and sayeth

“It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them

“It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide it”

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth

“It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide it’s strength”

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another

“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong”

And the Directors went unto the Vice-Presidents and sayeth unto them

“It promotes growth and is very powerful”

And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him

“This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, and in these areas in particular”

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and the Plan became policy.
 
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Major

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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
OK', the little girl says, how much do you weigh?'
Now really,' the mother says, those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
Well,says the friend, all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

Because you got an F in sex.'
 

Flashback

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