A bit of humour

[Hvr]

There once was an aspiring singer named Sam. Sam was auditioning for America's Got Talent. While backstage, he warmed up his voice in front of his friends and family by singing scales.

He sang the first note, his friends and family were amazed. He then sang the second note, the third note, the fourth note, the fifth note, and by the sixth note, his friends and family were brought to tears at how beautiful his voice was. He then sang the seventh note and immediately exploded into flames. The stage hands quickly grabbed fire extinguishers and put out the charred remains of what used to be Sam.


"What happened?" asked one of the stagehands. Sam's friend said, "Sam sung note 7."

 

[coriander]

Son finally got a girlfriend long enough to feel confident enough to introduce her to his parents.
He set off with girlfriend in her car but got a flat tyre on the way.

In case the parents were worried he called them up to explain, mum answered the phone, ''Hi Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh" she sighed. "and there was I thinking you were bringing a real one."

 

[JohnM]

 

[coriander]

Hvr tried to annoy us with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

 

[JessicaTam]

Hvr tried to annoy us with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

Now you've done it. You better duck for plover!

 

[p--and--t]

 

[NM]

Now you've done it. You better duck for plover!

I am sure @Hvr will trump that with a tweet (oops, looks like @p--and--t has already done that).

 

[Antoallison]

 

[JohnM]

PER peeps may be familiar with the Bell Tower Times. Belle has a certain style, shall we say...

Here's an aviation-related offering from the Human Zoo collection (err, trigger and safe-space warning: very expressive language):

Mr Jetstar Passenger | The Bell Tower Times

Dawren has grounded more planes than the Bermuda Triangle with less contrition than a Russian general. Today he has a holiday booked to the Denpasar Airport

thebelltowertimes.com

 

[love_the_life]

PER peeps may be familiar with the Bell Tower Times. Belle has a certain style, shall we say...

Here's an aviation-related offering from the Human Zoo collection (err, trigger and safe-space warning: very expressive language):

Mr Jetstar Passenger | The Bell Tower Times

Dawren has grounded more planes than the Bermuda Triangle with less contrition than a Russian general. Today he has a holiday booked to the Denpasar Airport

thebelltowertimes.com

Well I enjoyed it anyway! I of course am a classy lady.

 

[Deleted member]

View attachment 203796View attachment 203796

 

[Deleted member]

 

[coriander]

A king, wanting to host an elaborate wedding for his daughter, raised taxes on all citizens of the kingdom by thirty pieces of gold. Everybody paid, except for one young count.

The king sent a tax collector, but the count refused. “This is unfair, and I shall not pay!”

The king sent the sheriff, but the count refused. “I will not support the king’s new tax!”

Finally, the king had the count arrested, and thrown in the dungeon. He explained to the count that failure to pay was treason, and he would be executed, yet still, the count refused.

So, the king had him brought to the top of the tower, and neck on the block, with the executioner’s axe raised. The king asked the count to pay. He defiantly shouted, “Never!”

Then, as the executioner’s axe began to fall, the count shouted “OK! I’ll pay!”.

But it was too late, the executioner couldn’t stop the heavy axe, and the count was killed.

The moral of this story?
Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.

 

[coriander]

I just asked Siri, "Surely it's not going to rain today?"
Siri responded with "It will and don't call me Shirley."

Must remember to take my phone off airplane mode.

{Edit: references one of the greatest comedies of all time - the 1980 movie Airplane! (US) or Flying High! (AU): good grief, is the film THAT old??
....... I AM that old )

 

[codash1099]

An attorney returned home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.



As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the heck have you been?" Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by his wife's sarcastic remarks.



While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered - to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

 

[cgichard]

What is the correct name for Santa Claus' little helpers?

"Subordinate clauses."

 

[JohnM]

 

[Captain Halliday]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this here, or in one of the wine threads.

I recently bought a dozen bottles of wine.

In the same order I also bought four gift bags as there was an offer to spend $XX get $XX off.

Today Cellarmasters emailed me inviting me to provide a review.

So I did.

 

[Captain Halliday]

Oh dear... they published it.

 

[JessicaTam]

Oh dear... they published it.

View attachment 204471

Brilliant.

Your review was easy to find, so I have posted a comment.