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A bit of humour

straitman

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Harry and Barbara’s marriage has been on the rocks for a while, so when they hear about a marriage seminar being given in their neighborhood they decide to attend. “One of the most important things in marriage”, said the speaker, “is to get to really know your spouse well. For example,” continued the speaker, “How many of you know what’s your wife’s favorite type of flower?” Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, “it’s gold medal all-purpose flour isn’t it?”
RIP Harry.....LOL
 

straitman

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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
 

GPH

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This has possibly already been posted in the past. But here goes.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. "To check my sister's wedding invitations" she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment...then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, "Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 

Major

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Breakfast Order
An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?” He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir?" Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it’s pronounced 'quiche'.
 

drron

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He does look a little familiar.But it is mrsdrron who was able to drive our Datsun 1600 through the Flinders Ranges on 3 wheels without doing any damage.
 

Mrsfefe

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Qantas Airlines: Repair Division In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had a major accident. (actually, a passenger death due to a plane accident) There have indeed been incidents) P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
 

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