A bit of humour

Sent to my by a friend. I found it funny, so hoping others will see the funny side .... ;)


A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says

'What the cough do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".
 
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT.
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
 
Last night I reached for my liquid cough and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful coughs. All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ............ Some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ....... Chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat cough, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England.
 
Who reads what !


1. The Australian Financial Review is read by the people who run the country.


2. The Canberra Times is read by people who think they run the country.


3. The Australian is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.


4 The Sydney Morning Herald is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The Australian.


5. The Courier Mail is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they didn't have to leave Queensland to do it.


6. The Age is read by people whose parents used to run the country.


7. The Melbourne Herald Sun is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train


8. The Sydney Daily Telegraph is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.


9. The West Australian is read by people who are in prison, who used to run the state, and would like to do so again, as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.


10. The Hobart Mercury is (slowly) read by people who are running another country, but need the Aussie Rules scores.


11. Crikey is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not conservatives.


12. The Adelaide Advertiser is read by people trapped in a line at the supermarket waiting for the electricity to come back on.


13. The Northern Territory Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.


'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.


The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class when an excited little girl ran into the room. With a very proud look on her face, she announced to the class, “I know how to spell my grandma’s name!”

The teacher smiled and said, “Go ahead. We’d love to hear it.”

“G-R-A-N-D-M-A,” the little girl exclaimed.

Before the teacher could praise her, Little Johnny yelled from the back of the classroom, “Hey! That’s how you spell MY grandma’s name as well!”
 
Flashback said:
Q: What's red and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket.

Q: What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket in disguise.
Click to expand...

Q: What’s red and lives in a sauce bottle?
A: A melted red bucket.
 
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
“Sure,” said the pro, “What’s your handicap?”
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. “Well, it’s 16,” said the businessman, “but what’s the relevance since I’ll be playing alone?”
“It’s very important for us to know,” said the pro, who then called a caddy.
“Go out with this gentleman,” said the pro, “his handicap is 16.”
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman’s bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.
“It’s wise to avoid those trees on the left,” said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.
The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. “That’s the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You’re lucky I was here with you.”
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. “Good to avoid those bushes on the right,” says the caddy. Of course, the businessman’s ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy’s rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
“I’ve saved your life again,” said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman’s ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
“Why didn’t you kill it?” asked the man incredulously.
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the caddy. “This is the 17th handicap hole. You don’t get a shot here.”
And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap! ⛳️‍♀️
 
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Major said:
Who reads what !


1. The Australian Financial Review is read by the people who run the country.


2. The Canberra Times is read by people who think they run the country.


3. The Australian is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.


4 The Sydney Morning Herald is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The Australian.


5. The Courier Mail is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they didn't have to leave Queensland to do it.


6. The Age is read by people whose parents used to run the country.


7. The Melbourne Herald Sun is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train


8. The Sydney Daily Telegraph is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.


9. The West Australian is read by people who are in prison, who used to run the state, and would like to do so again, as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.


10. The Hobart Mercury is (slowly) read by people who are running another country, but need the Aussie Rules scores.


11. Crikey is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not conservatives.


12. The Adelaide Advertiser is read by people trapped in a line at the supermarket waiting for the electricity to come back on.


13. The Northern Territory Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
Click to expand...

Or

 

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