A bit of humour

[amaroo]

Monastic Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!"

"We missed the R!"

"We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot,"What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was...



"CELEBRATE!"

 

[QF WP]

Poignant and true:

 

[docjames]

This one from today's AFR captured my imagination.

 

[Foreigner]

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

 

[Hvr]

A geek quiz.

How good is your mathematical sense of humour? Quiz | Simon Singh | Science | theguardian.com

I got 5/10 mainly through guessing.

 

[anat0l]

A geek quiz.

How good is your mathematical sense of humour? Quiz | Simon Singh | Science | theguardian.com

I got 5/10 mainly through guessing.

I got 7/10. Some of those I didn't even have a clue what was meant.

 

[Foreigner]

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.

On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

"Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A lawyer, a doctor, and a web designer were discussing whether a person should marry or just live with her partner.

The doctor said, “We know that stable relationships are a boon to health. I highly endorse marriage.”

The lawyer said, “A marriage is fine when you’re in it, but 50% of marriages fail, and then what paperwork! No, better to just live together.”

The web designer said, “Well, I have a husband *and* a boyfriend in an open relationship, and it’s really the best of both worlds. My boyfriend, after all, knows I must spend some time with my husband. And my husband knows I must spend some time with my boyfriend. And between the two of them, I manage to spend most nights coding.”

 

[Hvr]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 

[Hvr]

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.

He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."

A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."

When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." The old man said, "And the same old story!!

 

[Hvr]

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

 

[Major]

Wife to Husband on his birthday:

You can have Sex for 1 hour, the way you want it.

Excited Husband jumps up, hugs her, kisses her & runs out saying:

I promise I'll be back in 1 hour!!

 

[Foreigner]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,
right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you
know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.' "
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

 

[Ikara]

I'm going to hate myself for posting this!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate verylittle, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from badbreath.

This made him, ( man this is bad!).......



A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


JB

 

[Foreigner]

After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."

 

[paxman]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented. They were married and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!

 

[Ikara]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and werestanding in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After aboutan hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," hesaid, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

JB

 

[Foreigner]

The importance of an occupation after retirement

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors"
who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things
I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

 

[Foreigner]

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
he selects a word:
mypenis.
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!