A bit of humour

[Bundy Bear]

 

[drron]

 

[VPS]

Waiters

 

[VPS]

Wine o’clock

 

[Buzzard]

Waiters

View attachment 441428

French restaurant??

 

[Hvr]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir…. Wait ... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

A bar of of gold walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barman takes one look at the bar of gold and refuses, saying "Au! Get out!"
Hopefully I won't get barred for that.

_________________________________________________________

I went to the office today to find a huge lump of Plasticine was left in the middle of my desk.

I didn't know what to make of it.

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What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?

She had mittens.

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When I worked in a chocolate factory a man fell into a large vat of bubbly chocolate ..
My mate Bill was going to jump in to try and save him ....
But I said: "Billy.. don't be an Aero."

 

[anat0l]

I joined a cooking course. So far, I've successfully made wraps, burritos and sushi.

I'm on a roll.

 

[Hvr]

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

He smiled and said, “Nobody suspects the Spanish ink physician!”


_____________________________________________________________________

I quit my job because my boss asked me to go to an auction for him.

Call it foolish pride, but I refuse to do anyone else's bidding.


__________________________________________________________________

Why did that alcoholic mathematician get arrested?

Because he was deriving drunk.

______________________________________________________________

A director of Dulux paints has been found at the top of Everest!

The rescuers said he should have had another coat!

 

[Hvr]

I offered Elton John some spinach but he turned it down.

He told me he was more of a rocket man.

______________________________________________

The inventor of the fan assisted oven has passed away.

Funeral services will be at 2:40, for twenty minutes.

_____________________________________________

What do a cardiologist and a detective have in common?

They're both good at spotting A-Fib.

 

[anat0l]

Knock knock!

Who's there?

The dwarf who can't reach the door bell!

 

[VPS]

p

French restaurant??

possibly - UK paper so could be anything

 

[codash1099]

 

[gaz0303]

BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.