A bit of humour

[Major]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week.

No matter if it's oicy, rainin’, snowin’, hailin’ . .. .. why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros”.

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"

 

[drron]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.


After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano,


it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience


into a trance.


"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.


The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.


"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.


"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.


"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"


The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.


The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.


A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.


They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!


The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"cough" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

 

[Major]

His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper
photographer quickly used his mobile phone to
call the Townsville airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin'
he responded,' and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

[drron]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here 's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you. ' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn 't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, (you are going to love this..) " What 's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[drron]

 

[drron]

THE JOYS OF AGING

 

[drron]

Okay..here it is.
A test to see if your brain is still working.
Which one do you think is the blonde?

Scroll down....
Amazing, I did not see it before..

The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.
That's OK, I didn't pass the test EITHER!

 

[Major]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those coughes sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,

'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

 

[Major]

An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades) based at the FORD factory, Broadmeadows, dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone
wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a
God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember
doing anything really special when I was alive.
Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope
that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter,

"We've added up your time sheets."

 

[wunala]

Sex After Surgery

​

A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St.Luke's hospital, saying that, after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex

A hospital spokesman replied:"Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct his eyesight."
​

​

 

[wunala]

Breast Feeding Causes Traffic Jam​ ​ Breast Feeding in Public Causing Traffic Jam​ ​ ​ ​ ​

​

 

[straitman]

SAT NAV - PAM AYRES I have a little Satnav;It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear And taking this into account, it specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, … I could turn the bugger off.

 

[Major]

A recent article in the NZ Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[codash1099]

A recent article in the NZ Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

Repeats seem to be the norm here but at least wait a few days :mrgreen:

http://www.australianfrequentflyer....round/a-bit-of-humour-6330-84.html#post994828

 

[Major]

Repeats seem to be the norm here but at least wait a few days :mrgreen:

http://www.australianfrequentflyer....round/a-bit-of-humour-6330-84.html#post994828

Thought I'd seen it somewhere

 

[JohnM]

Sex After Surgery

​

A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St.Luke's hospital, saying that, after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex

A hospital spokesman replied:"Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct his eyesight."
​

​

But that's precisely the cause of her problem! Now that he can see his wife, he's lost interest .

 

[Flashback]

But that's precisely the cause of her problem! Now that he can see his wife, he's lost interest .

That's the punch line.....

 

[Cruiser Elite]

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicl_s that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

 

[anat0l]

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicl_s that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

Try negotiating with the mosquito?

 

[anat0l]

An oldie but a goodie if only a bit immature:


What is a zebra? 25 sizes larger than an A bra.


To the ladies: yes I know that isn't true by a country mile... my sister told me so, too.