A bit of humour

[Bundy Bear]

You can always pick HVR jokes
This came from the UK but could apply to anyone who can’t get to where they were going for Christmas due to border closures.

 

[TheRealTMA]

 

[JohnM]

Belle nails it again...

5 Demons You Must Slay To Survive X-Mas Shopping | The Bell Tower Times

Despite racking up a few decades on this earth you still haven’t learned that last-minute X-Mas shopping is the consumer equivalent of a anoos exam: it’s

www.thebelltowertimes.com

 

[tgh]

 

[straitman]

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[Ansett]

 

[Hvr]

There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

the division is clear

++++++

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He is a small arms dealer.

++++++++

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
+++++++
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/kidg19/i_got_my_covid_test_results_and_im_so_confused_it/
All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled.

Imagine all the people.

 

[Captain Halliday]

There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

the division is clear

++++++

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He is a small arms dealer.

++++++++

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
+++++++

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/kidg19

All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled.

Imagine all the people.

Making an early start on the lame Christmas cracker jokes I see @Hvr

 

[Bundy Bear]

Good advice for Christmas

 

[VPS]

 

[Flashback]

T'was a week before Christmas,
And all through the town,
People wore masks,
That covered their frown.

The frown had begun
Way back in the Spring,
When a global pandemic
Changed everything.

They called it corona,
But unlike the beer,
It didn’t bring good times,
It didn’t bring cheer.

Airplanes were grounded,
Travel was banned.
Borders were closed
Across air, sea and land.

As the world entered lockdown
To flatten the curve,
The economy halted,
And folks lost their nerve.

From March to July
We rode the first wave,
People stayed home,
They tried to behave.

When summer emerged
The lockdown was lifted.
But away from caution,
Many folks drifted.

Now it’s December
And cases are spiking,
Wave two has arrived,
Much to our disliking.

It’s true that this year
Has had sadness a plenty,
We’ll never forget
The year 2020.

And just ‘round the corner -
The holiday season,
But why be merry?
Is there even one reason?

To decorate the house
And put up the tree,
Who will see it,
No one but me (and Mrs FB ).

But outside my window
The rain gently falls,
And I think to myself,
Let’s deck the halls!

So, I gather the ribbon,
The garland and bows,
As I play those old carols,
My happiness grows.

Christmas is not cancelled
And neither is hope.
If we lean on each other,
I know we can cope!

 

[love_the_life]

T'was a week before Christmas,
And all through the town,
People wore masks,
That covered their frown.

The frown had begun
Way back in the Spring,
When a global pandemic
Changed everything.

They called it corona,
But unlike the beer,
It didn’t bring good times,
It didn’t bring cheer.

Airplanes were grounded,
Travel was banned.
Borders were closed
Across air, sea and land.

As the world entered lockdown
To flatten the curve,
The economy halted,
And folks lost their nerve.

From March to July
We rode the first wave,
People stayed home,
They tried to behave.

When summer emerged
The lockdown was lifted.
But away from caution,
Many folks drifted.

Now it’s December
And cases are spiking,
Wave two has arrived,
Much to our disliking.

It’s true that this year
Has had sadness a plenty,
We’ll never forget
The year 2020.

And just ‘round the corner -
The holiday season,
But why be merry?
Is there even one reason?

To decorate the house
And put up the tree,
Who will see it,
No one but me (and Mrs FB ).

But outside my window
The rain gently falls,
And I think to myself,
Let’s deck the halls!

So, I gather the ribbon,
The garland and bows,
As I play those old carols,
My happiness grows.

Christmas is not cancelled
And neither is hope.
If we lean on each other,
I know we can cope!

That is so true - love it

 

[codash1099]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognised charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

[TheRealTMA]

Teenage Boy Becomes A Man After Stumbling Upon The SBS Channel At 3 am

Knowing his mother would never let him watch the sequels, Robbie figured he’d try his luck and see if Johnny Knoxville and his pals were playing again on one of the lesser-known channels.

www.betootaadvocate.com

Woman Complaining About Historical Inaccuracies In The Crown Fine With Entire Plot Of 300

However, it’s alleged Valerie’s constant barbs about exaggerated storylines was momentarily put on pause when Leslie later popped on the 2006 hit ‘300’ - stating that the only noises she heard from her mother were ‘verbal sounds of admiration’ and the occasional ‘oh he’s nice.’

www.betootaadvocate.com

Bloke Visiting Family For Chrissy Spends Majority Of Time Providing Tech Support To Relatives

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT If Patrick Bohmer [27] knew he’d end up working over the Christmas holiday break, he would have stayed in the office and at least gotten paid for it. The Brisbane local had reportedly taken a week off work to travel up to Betoota Heights, where he planned on...

www.betootaadvocate.com

 

[Bundy Bear]

COVID gets mentioned as a cause of death.

 

[Buzzard]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognised charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

For a minute there I thought I was on the stock market thread

 

[straitman]

TikTok - Make Your Day

 

[TheRealTMA]

 

[rginoz]

View attachment 236937View attachment 236938

I have a funeral to attend next week. The preferred colour for the day is orange. Not my usual funeral garb, but, OK.