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A bit of humour

JohnM

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Now that is funny!
Jess, I have no idea what it is you find so funny ... 😜😜,

It so happens that I am 69 (well, for the next six weeks).

It has given me great pleasure this year to answer any question of “How old are you?” with: “Everyone’s favourite number.” - and watch for the reaction... ;)😜:p:p.
 
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Buzzard

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Jess, I have no idea what it is you find so funny ... 😜😜,

It so happens that I am 69 (well, for the next six weeks).

It has given me great pleasure this year to answer any question of “How old are you?” with: “Everyone’s favourite number.” - and watch for the reaction... ;)😜:p:p.
Did you have a good time in the summer ;)
 

drron

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George burns had several witty sayings.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
 

mrs.dr.ron

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Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
 

Hvr

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I lost my Job at the Elvis Presley snow globe factory. I'm all shook up

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

Is it just me or are magnets really attractive?

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I asked the boss what he wanted me to do with the ten metre roll of bubble wrap he chucked at me. "Just pop it in the corner" he said. Six bloody hours it took me.

Weeks ago my mate got arrested by airport police for getting abusive about the luggage delays. He's still waiting for his case to come up.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!

People are often shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness. It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.

I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, its a snake".

Met office advice, if you’re travelling today carry a shovel, blanket, spare warm clothing, a thermos flask with a hot drink, and a torch to attract attention. I looked a right idiot on the bus.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.

Someone stole my fake Christmas tree. It's not fir!

I used to disapprove of hitch-hiking but now I've decided to give it the thumbs up.

Burglars broke into my bathroom last night. Luckily they only took my broken scales. They won't get a weigh with it.

I went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock but I had to leave early. People kept winding me up.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small. We're a very tight-knit community.

I asked an angler for some fishing advice but he just told me to sling my hook.

There’s a siege at the zoo. They’ve taken 3 ostriches.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home? He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.

Started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are through the roof!

Just passed an RACV man in his van at the side of the road crying his eyes out. I thought he must be heading for a breakdown!

My budgie escaped from it's cage and mated with my dog. I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can l get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.
 

p--and--t

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Sep 28, 2008
Messages
524
I lost my Job at the Elvis Presley snow globe factory. I'm all shook up

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

Is it just me or are magnets really attractive?

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I asked the boss what he wanted me to do with the ten metre roll of bubble wrap he chucked at me. "Just pop it in the corner" he said. Six bloody hours it took me.

Weeks ago my mate got arrested by airport police for getting abusive about the luggage delays. He's still waiting for his case to come up.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!

People are often shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness. It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.

I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, its a snake".

Met office advice, if you’re travelling today carry a shovel, blanket, spare warm clothing, a thermos flask with a hot drink, and a torch to attract attention. I looked a right idiot on the bus.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.

Someone stole my fake Christmas tree. It's not fir!

I used to disapprove of hitch-hiking but now I've decided to give it the thumbs up.

Burglars broke into my bathroom last night. Luckily they only took my broken scales. They won't get a weigh with it.

I went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock but I had to leave early. People kept winding me up.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small. We're a very tight-knit community.

I asked an angler for some fishing advice but he just told me to sling my hook.

There’s a siege at the zoo. They’ve taken 3 ostriches.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home? He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.

Started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are through the roof!

Just passed an RACV man in his van at the side of the road crying his eyes out. I thought he must be heading for a breakdown!

My budgie escaped from it's cage and mated with my dog. I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can l get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.

Oh, did someone decide volume supersedes the value of quality ;)

One elephant stamp for trying 😁

(No offence intended)
 
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p--and--t

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Sep 28, 2008
Messages
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This one has been around the traps for a very long time, but maybe some have not seen it.......


My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
 

p--and--t

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Joined
Sep 28, 2008
Messages
524
I think I need glasses

I was at the store picking out a desk calendar for next year but I couldn't make out a thing printed on them. I guess I don't have 20/20 vision


(competing with Hvr joke)
 

p--and--t

Active Member
Joined
Sep 28, 2008
Messages
524
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"



He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.



"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"



He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "Wow, That seemed to help a lot!"



"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
 

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