A bit of humour

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People love to brag!

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom.

The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.

As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, “At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary.”

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless.

As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, “At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious.”

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering, “In kindergarten, I learned not to piss on my hands.”
 
They didn’t know what to think!

A 15-year-old Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall outside their community.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rotund old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”
 
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, I have got some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don`t go so well. In this case, things aren`t well.
I have cancer. So, lets head to the club and have a martini.

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the

woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.



The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end - I have been diagnosed with AIDS.

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences, and beat a hasty retreat.



After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
our friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?

Because I don`t want any of those coughes sleeping with your father after I am gone.

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting your affairs in order"
 
Nearly posted this in the off topic thread, but feel this thread is more appropriate.

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Air Canada to institute mandatory prison sentences for passengers who clap after landing

The Just Stop It Act has garnered overwhelmingly positive reviews since its exit from the House of Commons. Veteran Air Canada pilot Daniel Parin is excited about the new changes. "I'm not a dying Tinkerbell. I'm a professional pilot. Please do not be surprised when I land the plane. I don't clap every time you take a dump mid-flight. Act like you've been there before, for god's sake."

The new law has set a precedent in Ottawa and now similar bills are coming out of the woodwork, including one that prohibits applause during credits in movie theatres. "It's about time," says part-time ticket taker Kris Ming. "The director can't hear you. No one gives a cough if you liked The Fate of the Furious. We already got your $48."

The first perpetrator of the Just Stop It Act was apprehended mere hours after the bill was passed. Dina Hergot was arrested for indecent approval after her flight landed in Winnipeg, Manitoba this morning. Although she claims she was "just cleaning her hands of pretzel dust" it is clear from a passenger cellphone video there was excessive "woo-ing" in an attempt to incite applause. She is scheduled for release in 2028.
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