How to guarantee that you get scanned and swabbed at the airport.

[Scott K]

Just thought I'd throw in a bit of a light-hearted discussion.

What methods have you folks have used to get yourself swabbed every single time at the airport? This is either domestically or internationally. I'm thinking of making it into my next hobby. Although, for some reason I seem to be able to rack up frequent swap numbers strangely easily. If only they awarded FF points.

I have a couple of tried and true methods that seem to get me swabbed every time. First - in the days when I used to have a full head of hair, I would dye it all kinds of eccentric colours. Oddly enough I always got swabbed, and strangely they seemed to spend a good bit of time rubbing that swab through my hair. However this was over a decade or so ago when the swabbers could arbitrarily swab whoever they picked.

Nowadays, as an ageing semi eccentric with far less hair, I have other means. Yes. I collect antique typewriters. And like many collectors I will bring my travel spoils onto the plane where I can keep an eye on my expensive rarities. Without fail there will be a curious luggage check after imaging (fair enough, as they don't know what machine may be concealed in there and are probably secretly hopeful of a steampunk vibrator) followed by the usual 'Wow! What is that? Please step this way sir'. Contemporarily they tend to only swab people that have received the random red light of joy (RRLJ?) above their metal scan, and always claim that they don't select you. But I seem to be swabbed disproportionately a lot, and have often wondered if I should get a patch made up to sew on my jacked that says 'yes, you can 'randomly' swab me for bomb residue.

Although, as a motorcyclist, a patch would probably get me in trouble in Queensland.

So... What other methods have people found that gets them 'randomly selected' so that they can enjoy a rough swabbing at the hands of a person straining to feign indifference?

SK

 

[zenyattamondatta]

What other methods have people found that gets them 'randomly selected' so that they can enjoy a rough swabbing at the hands of a person straining to feign indifference?

My former boss employed the method of being visibly Arabic with considerable success, but that's not a viable option for me.

 

[Scott K]

My former boss employed the method of being visibly Arabic with considerable success, but that's not a viable option for me.

Yeah, that seems to do it too. Far too often.

 

[mhen]

My travel companion has an artificial leg which sets off the metal detector. Pat down is usually accompanied by swab test as well on shoes. Sometimes they request shoes to be removed and don't quite know how to cope when she tells then its easier to take the leg off than it is to take the shoe off the leg. She has narrow feet and as you can't buy pairs of shoes in different widths it takes 15 minutes and a shoe horn to get the standard width rubber foot into the narrow shoe. I always go through first to gather up both our carryon and her walking stick. I have learnt that if I stand near the testing station I often get tested as well. Once had to wait 30 minutes for a female officer to come on duty to do the patdown when transiting in Mancester between terminals, luckily onward flight was delayed 2 hours.

 

[ozjuice]

I can guarantee my wife will get swabbed every single opportunity she gets......she must look very dodgy!

 

[Scott K]

My travel companion has an artificial leg which sets off the metal detector. Pat down is usually accompanied by swab test as well on shoes. Sometimes they request shoes to be removed and don't quite know how to cope when she tells then its easier to take the leg off than it is to take the shoe off the leg. She has narrow feet and as you can't buy pairs of shoes in different widths it takes 15 minutes and a shoe horn to get the standard width rubber foot into the narrow shoe. I always go through first to gather up both our carryon and her walking stick. I have learnt that if I stand near the testing station I often get tested as well. Once had to wait 30 minutes for a female officer to come on duty to do the patdown when transiting in Mancester between terminals, luckily onward flight was delayed 2 hours.

Crikey! That's a bit excessive to ask them to take the shoe off. How does he feel about it when this happens?

 

[Scott K]

I can guarantee my wife will get swabbed every single opportunity she gets......she must look very dodgy!

I see a lot of women getting swabbed. Must be the perfume that attracts the swabbers.

 

[RooFlyer]

So I guess that's a welcome to posting on AFF Scott K.

If you go through HBA, where the swabs are before X-ray, the way to be guaranteed of a swab is to be next in the single file after they finish with the last person. Pretty simple selection criteria.

 

[Scott K]

So I guess that's a welcome to posting on AFF Scott K.

If you go through HBA, where the swabs are before X-ray, the way to be guaranteed of a swab is to be next in the single file after they finish with the last person. Pretty simple selection criteria.

They like to keep it simple in Tasmania. Who can blame them?

 

[RooFlyer]

In your circumstances, it would suit you to a T

 

[serfty]

Simple ... Use the VA premium entry at T2 in SYD off peak.

 

[Scott K]

Simple ... Use the VA premium entry at T2 in SYD off peak.

AH! I seem to get scrutinised the most in Sydney. Seems about right to me.

 

[Scott K]

In your circumstances, it would suit you to a T

Nah. Only in Queensland airport.... Where they are simple.

 

[jb747]

Walk right up to them, and throw your gear down.

 

[Scott K]

Walk right up to them, and throw your gear down.

This sounds like a challenge to me.

Although, it may go down the same way that in the sub-category of DYKWIA, the ‘middle aged white man joking about bombs or terrorism’ ends up going.

 

[jb747]

Have a think about it. Offering yourself like that actually corrupts the system.

 

[RooFlyer]

But a well trained swabber should? Might? ignore the proffered victim and go to the next person or two.

As an aside, I know the 'swab in groups' method gets panned, but I think it's not a bad way to catch anyone trying to avoid the swab. Obviously if there is a positive after a group swap, they test individually and then get the true positive.

 

[OZDUCK]

This sounds like a challenge to me.

Although, it may go down the same way that in the sub-category of DYKWIA, the ‘middle aged white man joking about bombs or terrorism’ ends up going.

I saw what transpired, long ago, when exactly that happened. When I was in Customs about 1978 at Perth Airport, a transit pax (probably on his way to Melbourne) made a remark of that sort regarding a BA 747 - unfortunately for him within hearing of some ground staff. Within 30 minutes the pax and his baggage were in a pile outside the sliding doors of the Customs area with no ticket, no accommodation and a lost look on his grey face,

 

[dxwell]

steampunk vibrator

That's a paddlin'

 

[dxwell]

Yep..