A bit of humour

North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.


If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

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The wife Just asked me if I had any fantasies..

I said, "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met".

She said "What, and you pick me up in some bar?".

I said, "No..Just the first bit".

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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has been my Achilles elbow.

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What can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The P is silent.

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I once threw a ball for my dog. Bit extravagant but it was his birthday and he looked great in his dinner jacket.
 
I don't believe it when they say you can keep a turkey in the freezer for months.
I put one in last night and now its dead

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There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.
Push and pull.

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Two cowboys are riding through the badlands when they spot what looks like a tree covered in bacon.

They get closer and one of them dismounts and goes up for a closer look, but shots ring out and he falls to the ground, dead. As his partner later recalled, it wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

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Someone's stolen all the bus stop signs from our street.
Where do these people get off?


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I've just been attacked by a little ginger boy doing martial arts!

It turned out to be the carroty kid.
 
I went to a shop today and the sign on the door handle read, 'SHOVE.'
I thought, "So, Push has come to Shove has it."


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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

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Is Karl Marx's tomb a communist plot?

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Recently, my wife and I got a stuffed elephant for our living room.
"It'll be great!" I said. "It'll be a huge talking point at our dinner party this weekend."
But nobody mentioned it.

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I've been trying to come up with a joke about momentum
...... but I just can't seem to to get it going.

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What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck.

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I remember asking my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed.
Neither he nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

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